I had the pleasure of going to the Clown's Monday night football game with good friends for $13... plus $25 for parking because Gina had to go right from the game at half time to work or else we'd have car pooled and I would have only had to pay 1/2. I only mention it because I hate paying for parking. HATE. HATE. HATE. Anyways, we drove into the parking garage behind City Hall and unknowingly started our magnificent journey into the depths of poor city planning, no directional markers, and paying a sh!t load of money for something that doesn't benefit you in the least...
I call it...
|
Yup, awesome graphics in this one folks. Buckle in! So years ago there used to be a bridge (it's actually still there) that would take you from the City Hall and Courthouse parking garages right to the stadium. It was painted like a football field and I think even had goal posts. East peasy lemon squeezy right? WRONG! It's closed... and has been for a few years now. Google maps still has it as the shortest route to the stadium from where we parked at a decent 7 min walk. Combine that with the ascension to cheap ticket heaven and you have about a 25 min walk to your seat give or take... but this is the Clowns we're talking about and nothing is ever easy when it comes to them. 65% of all Clowns related suicides end up being botched and cost the depressed little souls every penny of a Cleveland Clinic hospital stay. You just can't escape the misery.
|
So without the old bridge and with the new bridge being years away from being build, you are left with 3 options:
- Go west young man:
This is the way we took but only completely by accident. We followed the signs to "Cleveland Browns Stadium" which was our 1st mistake since it hasn't been called that in a few years. We were up stairs and back down stairs, to the entrance and to dead end exits that were blocked off, and everywhere in between. Oh and before you call us retards, we weren't alone. People of all race, gender, and economic standing were walking with us like a mobile Benetton ad of already angry and late for the game "fans". The map to the right clocks your time at 12 mins but with all of our journeying and pee stops it was more like 20 mins before we got to the actual stadium. A 20 min walk would have got us half way there...if we left from HOME! Luckily half our group are avid marathon runners or the other half would have caught and ate them around half way like the movie "Alive".
Ya we eventually got there but seriously... did we have to really go through that? We have a bridge! What's wrong with it? Whatever it is I now realize that we need more than a bridge. We need proper signage and way-finding. We need a warning that says you better be ready for a 40 min god-damned walk from here to the Stadium or the Rock Hall. We need to completely cover up the tracks, remove the highway, and gradually slope the land from 1 parking garage to Alfred Learner Way. Trains go through tunnels all the time so (and it pains me to say this) fuck them and whatever regulations that are in place that are blocking this from happening. This is exactly why people hate Cleveland so much. It's never just difficult. It's difficult with a side of impossible. It's like standing in line at the DMV and having snipers taking shots at you. Has the mayor or city council ever been to a game they weren't helicoptered in to? - To the east. To the east. The road beneath my feet:
This way, although it looks way further, is about the same sh!tty distance from the start of our adventure to the bitter end. It's the more scenic of the 2 routes since you get to go past the Rock Hall and the Science Center but it still requires about 40 mins of your life to get to your $13 seat. Now they say that the new pedestrian bridge is going to take you from the east side of mall C (almost our starting point) to right between those 2 wonderful buildings over the highway and the train tracks and like Tony the Tiger I say "Great!"... except that didn't help me on Monday...or last season... or the season before. What we have now in this time of rebirth and progress in our downtown area is a city that leaves it up to a sh!tty owner to do anything about fan appreciation. Fine! Name the stadium after a company that's not even in Cleveland. Cool! Close the pedestrian bridge. Swell! Keep raising prices on everything while the team finds new and fun ways to lose! Grand!
Look, if this team was at all watchable, I'd walk though fire to see a playoff game...whose tickets would need to be given to me for free because those are way too expensive for me and my 78 ceramic birds, 48 wreaths, and 15 outdoor holiday rugs...BUT I'D DO IT! The fact is though that if you do make the mistake of parking on the north side of route 2, you are in frickin' no man's land and must prepare yourself for an out of your way walk where there is no night life, restaurants, or shops. There are however bums and swear word t-shirt sales a$$holes and ticket scalpers and drunks openly peeing on the side walk in front of kids. I'm all about putting feet on the sidewalks to benefit local businesses but really the only people who benefit are the pedicab drivers taking frustrated crying people from their own personal hell to a corporate sponsored toilet bowl... although if you do go this way, you do get to see 2 cool buildings. - Stand on the train tracks and wait for the sweet release of death...I mean you could probably just go home...ya just go home:
Truth be told, I lost all faith in our current owner when he sold the naming rights to our city owned stadium, pocketed the cash, and then ran a sin tax fear campaign so that he could "modernize" it without having to pay for it. This is why rich people are rich. They can easily trick the stupid into allowing them to keep their money with one hand while taking money from them with the other. The Brown's organization doesn't care about Cleveland. They care about milking every single dollar they can from a fan base who's too scared to stop caring. Oh and the people you elect to represent you let them do whatever they want while flipping the bill for all of it with you tax money! We cheer so hard for football in this town and state and it has never truly given you anything back but something to complain about to your friends. The ticket prices don't go down when the team sucks. The parking prices don't go down when it requires a 20 min walk to the stadium. Your team who was almost at .500 last year can dump their QB and sign a guy who's 49 years old and obviously has a death wish to replace him and you are only left sitting there with no answers. They can build a stadium that will never host a Superbowl and its millions of fans and revenue dollars and you can only afford tickets for special seats on top of the lights because this city has been in a sh!t spiral for the last 20 years of your life.
One last point...it's plain to see that the NFL has removed any and all individuality from each of it's franchise cities so that it can deliver the same awful entertainment while only having to change the color of the team it's for. The only silver lining here is that we weren't really a team while the PC police and Family Values squad was starting to lay down the law. We were just eager to have a team again so we decided to leave our purses and flasks and batteries and dog bones at home. No more drunkin good times, pissing in a trough, chucking sh!t at the opposing players, and whoohooing the flashing middle aged ladies in the cheap seats. Remember when the NFL and WWF were fun? I blame child worshiping soccer moms and their sh!t eating spawn but that's just me and I'm a 35 year old single man-child so who fucking knows. I can only say that when men-only things became marketed to women and children because some a$$hole marketing douche said "We're only really hitting 50% of the marketplace" and "We have to make sure we indoctrinate them early" the world began to suck... and then Monday night happened. The ballet never goes topless to bring in male fans. Women drag us to it and we go to make them happy because we "love" them or want to have sex sometime this month. That's how the invisible hand of the market place works people. Keep making everything in the NFL pink while 35% of players in the league get multiple concussions a year until their brains turn to mush in a stat I just made up. The rich get richer and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves. The end.
Urban adventurers, people who already have the money will fight you at every turn in order to keep their money. Your cause, no matter how pure and good, will never get support unless someone can make money buy exploiting it somewhere. You have to start from the bottom and work your way up as high as you can. Only then can you be a part of the middle class. The mongoose to the high class cobra.
Urban adventurers, people who already have the money will fight you at every turn in order to keep their money. Your cause, no matter how pure and good, will never get support unless someone can make money buy exploiting it somewhere. You have to start from the bottom and work your way up as high as you can. Only then can you be a part of the middle class. The mongoose to the high class cobra.
|
| This one made my day! |
Leave me your thoughts
on any of this
in the Comments Section below.
Get my blog posts sent right to you!
Put your e-mail address under
FOLLOW BY EMAIL
on the right menu and click Submit.
Like, Share, Star, and +1 the blog on Social Media by
clicking either the Buttons below after Posted by or
the Icons below the comments at the bottom of the screen.
Click on the ads on this page and
make me a couple of cents!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment