2015 was relatively quiet. Not many birthday's or anniversaries or weddings or babies or housewarmings or the dreaded reveal party. Lots of driving but not to any big gifting events. We had free and open weekends to do whatever. This year however, there are more parties and events than cicadas to go to. I don't at all mind saying congrats to someone for something but I'm 36 man...This shit should have been over years ago. It makes me feel less like life's conscientious objector and more like life's born loser in a rambling group of similarly lucked wanderers along with the normal-people-friends we can't quite let go of...who, let's be real, use us to live life vicariously through.
I was asked a few weekends back if moving from Lakewood to Tremont was just as expensive only with money going to different buckets. I thought for a quick second, said "no", and rambled off the first 64 reasons that came to mind first of which was "I rent! I'm not one of those people who can afford to own there."...until recently. More on that later but 1 cliff hanger I won't leave out there is that most of the people who live around us have cars that cost more...and smell less of cats. Then there's taxes and traffic and we treat the 4 star places just like you do (anniversaries, birthdays, v-day) and proximity/temptation to awesome things going on all the time. Blah blah blah...and I still stand by my decision to move to Cleveland financially. It has worked out in my favor but it's funny how Tremont really gets people to think of Cleveland less like a shit hole and more like the dog ate and shit out my Rolex...Tremont's the Rolex.
The person who asked was from up here so I'm sure they follow all of the goings on but on the other hand I know people who live up here who still think the city's one big crack den. I guess that's the difference between people and probably experiences. It is nice and refreshing to talk to people who accept your lifestyle choices and are only inquisitive to learn more about the topic. It's like people CAN be normal sometimes. Who'd have thunk it?!?
Well this blog is going to shift gears here real soon which is sorta why I've been having fun with sarcasm throughout the last couple of posts. That and I've kinda written about all the stuff I'm doing since most of it is yearly or regularly scheduled. Ethnic festivals, sporting events, pro-urbanism, yadda-yadda... I may have 1 more sarcastically funny post before all of the pieces fall into place but that depends on a lot. Such is life. Nothing is given. Everything is earned...a you probably got ripped off somewhere. Oh and go Cavs!
Family...you only have 1...but if you have one, there are some times when you've said to yourself "Fuck these [adj] assholes! I'm having my own Friendsgiving next year. No one's gonna miss me! There are 72 people who show up and I don't want to hear one of them brag or question me about [whatever]." Or you can be like Gina who writes emotional handwritten letters like it's the 18-god-damned-40's. Either way you never really go through with it but it is easy to vent and complain when you try to think of how in the wide wide world of sports you could be related to someone. Then they get pregnant or knock someone up. This is the spark that sets off the string of events that ends with you being out $145 and a straight to voicemail call when you need help moving.
Now I know it's the age of Facebook but celebrating every tiny step in your life and expecting to be treated like royalty the whole way is just not acceptable nor is it being tolerated behind closed doors. I like Pintrest as much as the next man of questionable sexuality but this world wide web of BS has created even more stupid gift giving parties than there were before...and there were way too many before! Go ahead and have a "Bump Party" and a "Reveal Party" and a "Baby Shower" and then an oh shit "Bridal Shower" and a lame I can't drink "Bachelor/Bachelorette Party" and then a "Wedding and Reception" and last of all a "Housewarming Party" BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT...we are all bitching and complaining behind your back. We are. Not just the men either. You're not a queen or king. Life is gonna suck from here on out no matter what you get into. These little parties are kinda your last hurrahs but they are in no way a birth rite! If you are worthy of a gift, you will get a gift. These are not to be demanded or assumed. Sometimes people can't pay their damn bills and don't have $49.99 to spend on a sterling silver ladle that tells time and gets XM radio from Sharper Image. This in no way makes them the assholes of the world, if they attend empty handed. This My MTV Sweet 16 mentality on parties is criminal when you don't have anything to give.
Oh and if we attend and brought a gift, get your god damned back brace on because you're helping us unmarried and barren dredges of society move. Fuck your thank you card! It certainly is nice but unless you personalize them a smidge, we know you probably hired someone to write them. Oh and you get Miller Lite and pizza as a "thank you"...bring that $65 serving tray over and eat that greasy shit off of it--Punk. Life is a series of pay and pay backs. It starts off with the Parent/Child "Diapers-to-diapers" agreement which states that since your parents took care of you when you needed it, you gotta take care of them when they need it. No questions asked. That's the big one. Others include the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours fair trade agreement" and the less popular "BJ/VJ birthday trade off". No more should we live in a system where the most organized and female driven of us get to have the longest guest lists, the most creative pointless parties, and the most judgy gift opening ceremonies.
Now I get that my gift counter balances the cost of my meal and drinks at a wedding reception. I really do and these traditional one-off events are cool. They make logical sense to me. However, tack on 6 other "gifting parties" to this and make some of them pot luck to boot and FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! No one cares about whatever is going on in your life that much. You're just being a greedy attention whore and need to stop it. You're not the first person/couple to do whatever you are doing...unless you are defying all odds. Like you lost both of your testicle in a tragic slip and slide accident but still was able to (after a series of blood/DNA/paternity/Maury tests) get your wife pregnant...then throw a damn blow out! 2 or 3 even. I'll buy you tight underwear as a gift so you forget your missing friends...you know since there won't be extra fabric chaffing your inner leg.
If you want to do the classy thing, do this...put on the invite that gifts aren't necessary. I bet you still get them. I bet more people show up. I bet everyone has some more fun. Oh and take all the tags off the gifts before you open them and keep in your mind that all of your friends and family are rooting for you no matter what they got you...even if it's an IOU to be paid back during better days. Life's a fucked up thing but it's not like that forever and true friends know when and how to pay you back (strippers and plumbing help).
There's none of this going on currently in my life so don't freak out. This just seems to be the year for everyone to have everything happen to them...and we're happy for most of you. Others, we'll buy you a drink on the other end.
On and around the same topic, tell me if this is fucked up...have you ever seen a baby play with the box a toy came in instead of the toy? Ya, babies are stupid. So I was thinking, what if instead of buying tons and tons of toys for the baby's first couple of birthdays...you just give money that the parent can (hopefully not gamble away but) put into a college savings account since the price of that shit ain't going down anytime soon...or plumber college or for a down payment on a house or something but no matter what, they'll have options. I know we like to buy babies toys but while they sleep and cry 94% of the day, let's make sure they have a chance to make something out of themselves...alright damn you can give the money in a box and they can play with the box once the parents are done saying thank you and knowing that they might be able to afford a couples get-a-way after junior leaves the nest. I literally bring this up more times than I wish to admit.
It takes a village...as long as that village has no highways and has proper bike lanes, buildings built up to the sidewalk, and mixed use neighborhoods.
It takes a village...as long as that village has no highways and has proper bike lanes, buildings built up to the sidewalk, and mixed use neighborhoods.
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