I know Northeast Ohioans. Hell I even am one. That being said...I know some of this is going to hurt to hear but it needs to be said:
We actually need your help fixing the crap you broke to begin with.
The 20th century is over. Seriously. I know that's when all your "good old days" were and your hair style was popular and the music you listen to was popular and you got all the sex you could ever try to remember but the 21st century needs you. You can for sure try to keep things they way they were but you need to be present and conscious and contributing. You really screwed things up and it's more than we can fix while you remember high school football. A lot of you shouldn't be rewarded for the very little you did from voting idiots into office that ruined this country all the way to raising shitty little drains on society. We aren't going to live as long as you. We're not going to have as much money as you. We aren't going to be as successful as you. It's the equivalent to not knowing how to tie your shoes out there in this scary ass world. A big sarcastic thank you from all of us trying to fix this mess.
The museum and you have a lot in common.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame city is losing to Akron as far as birthing good relevant rock bands goes. Rock, like this city and you, hasn't been consistently awesome since the 70's. One of them is making a comeback. The others have a coolness factor that is on life support. Guess which ones are which?...
Rock is dead because you were or had bad parents. There's a McDonalds on every corner for the exact same reason. You forgot what it was like to rebel and push the envelope and then rebel some more. The suburbs are your recliner with an attached remote. You can move the chair up and forward so much that you don't have to even expel energy to get out of it. This world has made you soft and conquerable. You pick the best of the shit that's offered to you and you take solice in the fact that you at least you were given a choice.
With Rock falling more and more into obscurity every year, Cleveland can be its retirement home and life support. Rock venues, record companies, old fogies tour stops, Hall of Fame, ect... The Austin or Nashville or Memphis of Rock and Roll is just waiting to be milked for every dollar.
Rock is dead because you were or had bad parents. There's a McDonalds on every corner for the exact same reason. You forgot what it was like to rebel and push the envelope and then rebel some more. The suburbs are your recliner with an attached remote. You can move the chair up and forward so much that you don't have to even expel energy to get out of it. This world has made you soft and conquerable. You pick the best of the shit that's offered to you and you take solice in the fact that you at least you were given a choice.
With Rock falling more and more into obscurity every year, Cleveland can be its retirement home and life support. Rock venues, record companies, old fogies tour stops, Hall of Fame, ect... The Austin or Nashville or Memphis of Rock and Roll is just waiting to be milked for every dollar.
You're better off supporting the Arts.
You will die before the Browns win the Superbowl so you can stop buying tickets. Hell making or hosting a Superbowl may never happen in your lifetime either. The Indians might make it back to a World Series but it's like a tree falling in the woods. Oh and on a similar note, the Semi Trailers in the upper deck at Jacob's Field look stupid...and it's all our faults for not going to more games. Oh and all you idiots (including me even though I didn't vote for it) help pay for a millionaire's to make these "improvements" to your stadiums. All they do is keep sending out crappy teams to play there.
And while we're on the subject of sports...Old men who watch young high school boys they aren't related to play sports kinda creeps me out. Unless it's homecoming. I get school spirit and coaching but if you haven't been to "school" in 15 years and you never miss a game...take up a hobby like woodworking.
There's a very small percentage of you who are actually "successful".
You are basically the assistant to the assistant manager.
The Republican party could care less about most of you. Think about it. Do you make more money when they're in office? Do you ever see any of the huge topics go one way or the other? Face it. You're just a pawn who hates gays and/or minorities. You got tricked and are so afraid of the stigma your viewpoint carries that you have to ride this turd wave all the way.
The Republican party could care less about most of you. Think about it. Do you make more money when they're in office? Do you ever see any of the huge topics go one way or the other? Face it. You're just a pawn who hates gays and/or minorities. You got tricked and are so afraid of the stigma your viewpoint carries that you have to ride this turd wave all the way.
Just because you drive a foreign luxury car doesn't mean you can drive like an asshole. It's never a dude in a Kia and when it is, it's not on purpose. I guess rich people just can't wait.
"Get'er Done" is nothing to be proud of.
Which bathroom people use is distracting you from what really matters...here's a hint: it's not guns, abortion, gay marriage, immigration, or welfare.
If I were homeless, I'd panhandle at Crocker Park just to see the reactions. I may even pull my balls through my zipper while I do it.
No one wants to talk to you about politics or unions or religion. We'll ask your opinion when we need it. This is actually for both sides. Most of the time people are just ignorantly repeating things the rest of us heard already but don't have the heart to call you out. I am well aware that I am breaking this one right now but if you got this far...you've been fooled again.
"Get'er Done" is nothing to be proud of.
Take your giant truck with the sparkling clean bed and go back to the suburbs...and drive off a bridge.
I hate the sound motorcycles make so much it makes me hate people who drive them. If a Prius can have little to no sound, so can a motorcycle. It's not a question of safety. It's a giant clock around Flavor Flav's neck. A toddler crying for attention. A jerk just looking to bother people. I'll never understand it and I'm not sure you want me to. I just don't get why this is cool?
If you think moving to Florida is a good idea, move there. We need our schools to improve.
If you've seen one tree, you've seen them all. Unless they're huge...or bare fruit. Then I'd like a pear please.
Stop subsidizing corn. That shit's in everything and it's slowly killing us all. I'm pretty sure you can take the training wheels off that tank. Plus farms shouldn't be too big to fail just like banks.
I really really like Bluegrass music. Maybe one day when women move on to something else it'll be popular again. Yup, women drive country music today. Started about 1995. Men, you have been tricked. In revolt, I invite you to fill your beer cans up with lighter fluid, tear the sleeves off your shirt, tuck them down the hole, light that shit, and fire bomb the next Luke Bryan concert... then give your old lady a black eye to show her your country should be more like Merl and less like N'sync. Mmmerica!
I like this city.
Your smooth fast car ride to downtown on a highway is not as important as the neighborhoods highways destroy. Highways don't pay taxes either but the houses that were destroyed to build them did. Why don't they pave these damn road again?
I'd shit if I could pay 1/4 of my yearly car payments for a metro card and keep the rest because I don't need my car anymore. It's almost a litmus test for having a successful city. Your citizens only need 1 car. Oh and if you complain about traffic, move closer to your job. Unless you like to complain. Then just stay away.
DUI's exist because bars were made to be walked to and from. If you can't stumble home from a bar, you live in the wrong area...and that's what's wrong with America.
I get sad seeing pictures of the buildings that have been torn down in this city. Like really really sad.
I wish this city had more people with mo-hawks and less with fohawks. There's a real lack of creativity and art here. Maybe they're all starving and fighting for exposure...
My soul died a little when they cancelled Cleveland's New Years Eve party. It was something we could hold up and say "Hey, we got this too!". It was also the thing no one wanted to face...this city doesn't have enough money yet to be everything it could.
I hate to shop at Giant Eagle. That being said, I take Gina there as a treat when I know she's down...even though I know she goes there almost everyday...or I don't complain when she takes me to one.
No matter how well Cleveland does, as long as a good rain prevents you from swimming in the lake because there might be some floating poop...we will never overcome our negative perception.
If Chicago gets deep dish pizza and NYC gets NY style pizza, Cleveland should start putting pizza in perogies as filler. Cleveland - Home of the Polish Pizza Hot Pocket!
This city has too many houses under 1000 square feet. I'm not saying get rid of them all but Jesus that's all that's out there. Old people aren't moving into a 1000 sq foot house in Cuddell even though there are literally 100,000 of them available. Oh and banks aren't giving mortgages for $36k.
Progress is made in this city everyday and it makes me proud.
Misc thoughts I wrote while in a bad mood.
If you've seen one tree, you've seen them all. Unless they're huge...or bare fruit. Then I'd like a pear please.
Stop subsidizing corn. That shit's in everything and it's slowly killing us all. I'm pretty sure you can take the training wheels off that tank. Plus farms shouldn't be too big to fail just like banks.
I really really like Bluegrass music. Maybe one day when women move on to something else it'll be popular again. Yup, women drive country music today. Started about 1995. Men, you have been tricked. In revolt, I invite you to fill your beer cans up with lighter fluid, tear the sleeves off your shirt, tuck them down the hole, light that shit, and fire bomb the next Luke Bryan concert... then give your old lady a black eye to show her your country should be more like Merl and less like N'sync. Mmmerica!
I like this city.
Your smooth fast car ride to downtown on a highway is not as important as the neighborhoods highways destroy. Highways don't pay taxes either but the houses that were destroyed to build them did. Why don't they pave these damn road again?
I'd shit if I could pay 1/4 of my yearly car payments for a metro card and keep the rest because I don't need my car anymore. It's almost a litmus test for having a successful city. Your citizens only need 1 car. Oh and if you complain about traffic, move closer to your job. Unless you like to complain. Then just stay away.
DUI's exist because bars were made to be walked to and from. If you can't stumble home from a bar, you live in the wrong area...and that's what's wrong with America.
I get sad seeing pictures of the buildings that have been torn down in this city. Like really really sad.
I wish this city had more people with mo-hawks and less with fohawks. There's a real lack of creativity and art here. Maybe they're all starving and fighting for exposure...
My soul died a little when they cancelled Cleveland's New Years Eve party. It was something we could hold up and say "Hey, we got this too!". It was also the thing no one wanted to face...this city doesn't have enough money yet to be everything it could.
I hate to shop at Giant Eagle. That being said, I take Gina there as a treat when I know she's down...even though I know she goes there almost everyday...or I don't complain when she takes me to one.
No matter how well Cleveland does, as long as a good rain prevents you from swimming in the lake because there might be some floating poop...we will never overcome our negative perception.
If Chicago gets deep dish pizza and NYC gets NY style pizza, Cleveland should start putting pizza in perogies as filler. Cleveland - Home of the Polish Pizza Hot Pocket!
This city has too many houses under 1000 square feet. I'm not saying get rid of them all but Jesus that's all that's out there. Old people aren't moving into a 1000 sq foot house in Cuddell even though there are literally 100,000 of them available. Oh and banks aren't giving mortgages for $36k.
Progress is made in this city everyday and it makes me proud.
Misc thoughts I wrote while in a bad mood.
As much as you want to bang your 22 year old waitress is exactly how much your wife loves banging her ex behind your back. Don't believe the hype. Women are 40 cents an hour away from being just as big of a collection of assholes as men are. Which leads me to my next point...
To want equality because you're jealous of the shit someone else gets away with is just wrong. We are all inspiring to have a life like the wolf of Wall St and that's not for everyone. Someone out there has to be nice and honest. So few are and I've noticed recently a magnet like attraction to people who say "please", "thank you", or who just smile. Doesn't matter who. Just be pleasant.
Something that's cool doesn't mean it's good. It just means kids like it and they are the dumbest of us all.
This one is so close to my heart that I saved it for the end...
The weather is not news. We all have phones...and windows.
Sometimes you just have to say something to get it off your chest urban explorers even if it's hard to hear.
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