Holiday Lights Trolley Ride

I went on a Holiday Lights Trolley Ride through ole Cle-town with these 3 drunkin' elves:

Our point of origin was JUKEBOX where we got free chili, a to-go brew cup with straw, and a Santa hat! Drinking beer from a straw like I was forced to go to church in college sounded fun. To be festive I made my beer of choice Great Lakes Christmas Ale which I had to open a Christmas gift to get at...a gift I was giving someone else...this is the 3rd time I've done this this month. Since I didn't have to drive I figured why the hell not! We all got situated and listened to the best Jukebox in the city until it was time to go. I really, really like this bar. All the things that a bar should be are here with none of the gimmicky fluff. Good tunes. Good brews. Good service. Good people. Good times. A perfect place to start this adventure!

Stop #1 - A Christmas Story House: 

Even though we practically live down the street, we've only ever driven past the A Christmas Story House. It was everything I remembered from the movie, leg lamp and all. They even changed the interior of the house to reflect what you'd see if the movie was actually filmed inside. Thank God there are people out there creative enough (and rich enough) to do such wonderful things all because of a movie they loved when they were younger. I wish the neighborhood was a little less run down when it's dark out tho. I mean it's not bad but those houses are in a historical neighborhood which is rich people slang for how you'd describe grandpa before you put him in a lower middle ranked nursing home. It is a great tourist destination for the neighborhood and city tho and A Christmas Story Run 5k/10k benefits the neighborhood revitalization efforts. I will always be happy to have this piece of Christmassy Hollywood right here in Cleveland.

Stop #2 - The Horseshoe Casino...Higbee's:

Here's a stock photo of what some of the lights look like since I didn't have time to take pictures because I WON $250!...which instantly went to a Christmas gift for Gina. Yes, folks that's right. I'll never be rich. Anyway it was a fun stop and Gina took great pictures I heard. I was too busy being happy and strut walking like a champ!

Stop #3 - Playhouse Square

	This is my favorite place in the city. As I may or may not have said before, it's like Cleveland's version of Disneyland and Vegas all rolled into one in the winter. It reminds me that this city is beautiful and grown up. It shows what happens if you really care about the arts and classic architecture. I could have stood there in a drunk awe all night. I can only hope that this kind of stuff spreads to other neighborhoods. It's certainly worth visiting Cleveland just to see it. I'd say more but I talk about how awesome this area is like every 2 posts.

Stop #4: The Euclid Beach Park Carousel at the Western Reserve Historical Society

So ya, another stock photo because we didn't really stop at this one. We just kinda drove by which was a bummer because it's beautiful! From what we could see they did an excellent job with the whole restoration and building. I definitely want to stop there and check it out soon. 

And yes, I was much to drunk to take a photo from a moving bus and have a conversation about whatever I was talking about. That's what the internets are for.

Stop #5: Nela Park (pronounced N-el-a like when hillbillies say "yellow", Kerry!) in "beautiful" East Cleveland, Ohio

So NELA Park is really a beautiful light setup that I'm going to guess most of you won't risk it to go see (which is understandable) but you are missing out. I actually didn't know this was even here. It's like a mile of lights and lit up figures and presents and up lighting and more lights. You'd think this was a light factory or sumphin! If you do decide to venture out and take picture, you will see police cars across the street watching you and making sure your safe. Hey, East Cleveland know who puts the government issued butter on what side of the government issued bread! Even more of a reason for Cleveland to annex this city...or for you to go and see this wonderful display!

The End!

Thanks Gina for getting the tickets and Kerry for spending time with us. It really was a fun experience being a tourist in my own city and guzzling some holiday cheer while doing so. I don't know which one will last longer, my indigestion from the chili or the Christmas hat, but the memories of this trip will last for a lifetime.

I hope all of you Urban Pioneers have a safe and happy holiday season. I may talk to you one more time in 2015 but if I don't, Happy New Year!

A few last things:

1. If you haven't seen the new Star Wars yet, maybe think about seeing at the Capitol Theater! Tickets on Mondays are like $7 and the place is so big, you won't have to be packed in right next to anyone. Oh and there's beer and wine AND liquor! And you can see it in 3-D!!! Accomplish the Gordon Square triple play >> Eat dinner at Happy Dog, get dessert at Sweet Moses, and see frickin' Star Wars at the Capitol Theater >> Bring a date and it's at least a guaranteed beej!
2. If you haven't been to Playhouse Square yet this holiday season, you're a god-damned Grinch! Take your stupid lights off of you dumb house and bury yourself alive in the backyard!...or I guess going there right now would be way easier for you. I mean how would you bury... never mind. Just go. Oh and after it's dark so you can get the full light-gasm enjoyment!
3. Quit being a jerk and go to the A Christmas Story house already! It's open all year round so I mean you could go like in January when $hits calms down. Just go. If you watch it all day on Christmas, go! Bring friends and buy tickets!
4. #Sadie - If you are too good for my childish and disgusting elf on the shelf pictures, then fine. But...if you're not a soulless PC religious soccer mom, you'll definitely get a kick out of year's 1 and 2 of #Sadie - Crackwhore Elf of the North Stripper Pole. Oh and if you do, no one will judge you for liking a photo or 12 on Facebook. You can just heart it on Instagram if you're trying to keep all of your evil secrets away from your judgy Facebook friends. No one looks at those names but me...and I picture you nude while clicking like...while I'm nude....touching my elf. Sooooo go do that already because likes and comments have been slim this year and I'm ditching if I don't think people care about it.

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An Unexpected Journey

I had the pleasure of going to the Clown's Monday night football game with good friends for $13... plus $25 for parking because Gina had to go right from the game at half time to work or else we'd have car pooled and I would have only had to pay 1/2. I only mention it because I hate paying for parking. HATE. HATE. HATE. Anyways, we drove into the parking garage behind City Hall and unknowingly started our magnificent journey into the depths of poor city planning, no directional markers, and paying a sh!t load of money for something that doesn't benefit you in the least...

I call it... 

Maybe it was our fault parking 5 mins away as the crow flies but I pay my taxes so I have the right to b!tch.

Yup, awesome graphics in this one folks. Buckle in! So years ago there used to be a bridge (it's actually still there) that would take you from the City Hall and Courthouse parking garages right to the stadium. It was painted like a football field and I think even had goal posts. East peasy lemon squeezy right? WRONG! It's closed... and has been for a few years now. Google maps still has it as the shortest route to the stadium from where we parked at a decent 7 min walk. Combine that with the ascension to cheap ticket heaven and you have about a 25 min walk to your seat give or take... but this is the Clowns we're talking about and nothing is ever easy when it comes to them. 65% of all Clowns related suicides end up being botched and cost the depressed little souls every penny of a Cleveland Clinic hospital stay. You just can't escape the misery.

So without the old bridge and with the new bridge being years away from being build, you are left with 3 options:

1. Go west young man:
   

   This is the way we took but only completely by accident. We followed the signs to "Cleveland Browns Stadium" which was our 1st mistake since it hasn't been called that in a few years. We were up stairs and back down stairs, to the entrance and to dead end exits that were blocked off, and everywhere in between. Oh and before you call us retards, we weren't alone. People of all race, gender, and economic standing were walking with us like a mobile Benetton ad of already angry and late for the game "fans". The map to the right clocks your time at 12 mins but with all of our journeying and pee stops it was more like 20 mins before we got to the actual stadium. A 20 min walk would have got us half way there...if we left from HOME! Luckily half our group are avid marathon runners or the other half would have caught and ate them around half way like the movie "Alive".

   Ya we eventually got there but seriously... did we have to really go through that? We have a bridge! What's wrong with it? Whatever it is I now realize that we need more than a bridge. We need proper signage and way-finding. We need a warning that says you better be ready for a 40 min god-damned walk from here to the Stadium or the Rock Hall. We need to completely cover up the tracks, remove the highway, and gradually slope the land from 1 parking garage to Alfred Learner Way. Trains go through tunnels all the time so (and it pains me to say this) fuck them and whatever regulations that are in place that are blocking this from happening. This is exactly why people hate Cleveland so much. It's never just difficult. It's difficult with a side of impossible. It's like standing in line at the DMV and having snipers taking shots at you. Has the mayor or city council ever been to a game they weren't helicoptered in to?


2. To the east. To the east. The road beneath my feet: 
   

   This way, although it looks way further, is about the same sh!tty distance from the start of our adventure to the bitter end. It's the more scenic of the 2 routes since you get to go past the Rock Hall and the Science Center but it still requires about 40 mins of your life to get to your $13 seat. Now they say that the new pedestrian bridge is going to take you from the east side of mall C (almost our starting point) to right between those 2 wonderful buildings over the highway and the train tracks and like Tony the Tiger I say "Great!"... except that didn't help me on Monday...or last season... or the season before. What we have now in this time of rebirth and progress in our downtown area is a city that leaves it up to a sh!tty owner to do anything about fan appreciation. Fine! Name the stadium after a company that's not even in Cleveland. Cool! Close the pedestrian bridge. Swell! Keep raising prices on everything while the team finds new and fun ways to lose! Grand!

   
   
   Look, if this team was at all watchable, I'd walk though fire to see a playoff game...whose tickets would need to be given to me for free because those are way too expensive for me and my 78 ceramic birds, 48 wreaths, and 15 outdoor holiday rugs...BUT I'D DO IT! The fact is though that if you do make the mistake of parking on the north side of route 2, you are in frickin' no man's land and must prepare yourself for an out of your way walk where there is no night life, restaurants, or shops. There are however bums and swear word t-shirt sales a$$holes and ticket scalpers and drunks openly peeing on the side walk in front of kids. I'm all about putting feet on the sidewalks to benefit local businesses but really the only people who benefit are the pedicab drivers taking frustrated crying people from their own personal hell to a corporate sponsored toilet bowl... although if you do go this way, you do get to see 2 cool buildings.


3. Stand on the train tracks and wait for the sweet release of death...I mean you could probably just go home...ya just go home:


Truth be told, I lost all faith in our current owner when he sold the naming rights to our city owned stadium, pocketed the cash, and then ran a sin tax fear campaign so that he could "modernize" it without having to pay for it. This is why rich people are rich. They can easily trick the stupid into allowing them to keep their money with one hand while taking money from them with the other. The Brown's organization doesn't care about Cleveland. They care about milking every single dollar they can from a fan base who's too scared to stop caring. Oh and the people you elect to represent you let them do whatever they want while flipping the bill for all of it with you tax money! We cheer so hard for football in this town and state and it has never truly given you anything back but something to complain about to your friends. The ticket prices don't go down when the team sucks. The parking prices don't go down when it requires a 20 min walk to the stadium. Your team who was almost at .500 last year can dump their QB and sign a guy who's 49 years old and obviously has a death wish to replace him and you are only left sitting there with no answers. They can build a stadium that will never host a Superbowl and its millions of fans and revenue dollars and you can only afford tickets for special seats on top of the lights because this city has been in a sh!t spiral for the last 20 years of your life. 

One last point...it's plain to see that the NFL has removed any and all individuality from each of it's franchise cities so that it can deliver the same awful entertainment while only having to change the color of the team it's for. The only silver lining here is that we weren't really a team while the PC police and Family Values squad was starting to lay down the law. We were just eager to have a team again so we decided to leave our purses and flasks and batteries and dog bones at home. No more drunkin good times, pissing in a trough, chucking sh!t at the opposing players, and whoohooing the flashing middle aged ladies in the cheap seats. Remember when the NFL and WWF were fun? I blame child worshiping soccer moms and their sh!t eating spawn but that's just me and I'm a 35 year old single man-child so who fucking knows. I can only say that when men-only things became marketed to women and children because some a$$hole marketing douche said "We're only really hitting 50% of the marketplace" and "We have to make sure we indoctrinate them early" the world began to suck... and then Monday night happened. The ballet never goes topless to bring in male fans. Women drag us to it and we go to make them happy because we "love" them or want to have sex sometime this month. That's how the invisible hand of the market place works people. Keep making everything in the NFL pink while 35% of players in the league get multiple concussions a year until their brains turn to mush in a stat I just made up. The rich get richer and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves. The end.

Urban adventurers, people who already have the money will fight you at every turn in order to keep their money. Your cause, no matter how pure and good, will never get support unless someone can make money buy exploiting it somewhere. You have to start from the bottom and work your way up as high as you can. Only then can you be a part of the middle class. The mongoose to the high class cobra.

This one made my day!

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