Monster Jam & the Capitol Theater

Monster Jam

2/15/2015 - When we were kids I'm sure there were some of you out there that liked monster trucks. I liked Bigfoot and Grave Digger myself... which I guess is like cheering for both Ohio State and Michigan. I need to pick a side! Anyways, since this spectacle of loud, large, action packed, automobile action is the kid crack equivalent to the potency of the stuff they did in Wolf of Wall Street... my sister, Gina, and I took my nephew Jeremy to Monster Jam.

Now since I don't have kids I tend to look at things as if they only effect me... and to a lesser extent, Gina. I MEAN to an equal extent. That's my rite as a single man in his mid 30's. Freedom!... vs whatever perk you married people get... I think it has something to do with taxes or something boring like that. With that being said, I wasn't really amped about going although I do love new experiences so I wasn't going to fake sick to get out of it or anything. It would be a fun afternoon in Cleveland with family... that's where my brain stopped making emotions and started thinking of lunch.

Speaking of lunch, we stopped into the Flat Iron Cafe for delicious wings and other food. It was right when they opened so we were the only people there. The food, as always, was delicious and we needed boxes to take some home because the portions are crazy there. After an hour of dodging the "What's the Hustler Club?" questions from Jeremy, we rushed him into the car like he was Lindsay Lohan coming out of a crack den surrounded by paparazzi... and were off to the Q!

I have to admit that Monster Jam really hit that man chord in me. Big trucks. Big Tires. Loud internal combustion engines. Smashing cars. Competition. It was all there! It also struck the "kid at heart" string I have in there. My dad equates it to 1980's professional wrestling. Bigger than life, muscle bound athletes wearing bright colors smashing into each other. I used to love that! This takes the best of those 2 worlds, smashes them together, adds 2 hot chick drivers, and delivers a hell of a good time! 

This was the kicker though... kids, who are normally... let's be honest... wiggling balls of annoyance and questions who need constant attention when you boil them (not literally) down to their core, wore earphones, sat quietly, and paid attention! Past the obvious comparison of my mentality vs a child's, I understood why for a few hours a couple times a year parents will bring their kids to see this while paying $$$ for the tickets... it's the best way to fulfill your parental obligation! It's like getting paid to baby sit a sleeping child in a house that has HBO and a stocked liquor cabinet. It's a win/win! I'll take Jeremy next year if he wants to go back. I'll take my kid when/if I have/steal one. I really like it. They'll love it. Zone out. Enjoy!

The Capitol Theater

2/13/2015 - Because I'm a good boyfriend, I recommended that we go see "50 Shades of Grey" opening night which is also the night before Valentine's day. Because I'm selfish, I recommended that we go see it at the Capitol Theater in the Gordon Square area of Cleveland since, as I said earlier, I love new experiences and have never been. I'm a horny genius bastard because I recommended we see a film that would give the women the weird female rush that bondage mixed with 2 shots of difficult man to change brings while I enjoyed, given the rules of movies,  tons of naked boob and butt shots with... and this is most important... no dong shots! Again for me >>>> Win/MutherF'ingWIN!

I'm going to run through a few short paragraphs that aren't too descriptive and don't do the places justice but kinda tell a quick fun story about how Gina and I roll... ready... and go:

We ate at Happy Dog which goes to show that no matter what the event, I can always get Gina to go to a place that serves hot dogs. For all of the "I miss my yard" I have to hear daily, this piece of her white trashy DNA makes up for all of it. If you've never been to Happy Dog, go already!

We went to Sweet Moses which is down the street for some old school dessert! I had Pecan Pie a la mode. They have something called phosphate sodas which makes me think of 1955 Hill Valley. If you've never been to Sweet Moses, go after eating at Happy Dog. You won't be sorry... well until you get on the scale the next morning.

We had time to kill... so we fell asleep in the car for 45 minutes before the movie. Yup, grandma and grandpa fell asleep in the car before a 10:30 pm movie on a Friday night. I won't lie... it was probably more satisfying then successfully trolling for a 3some on a Friday night at 10:30 pm while being the perfect amount of drunk. God we're old.

Refreshed from our nap but still groggy we walking into the theater and I broke the cardinal rule of men's intuition... blindly listen to a woman. We walked into the wrong theater and started to watch the wrong movie... previews and all. I've never been to the Capitol so I wasn't sure what to expect. We literally walked into a 2nd floor man cave with theater seating and I thought... "Nothing wrong with this." I believe there are 2 smaller upstairs theaters.

Finally after all of that we walked into the right theater. I have to say... all of the great things I read about all of the work that went into it and how it is the cornerstone of the neighborhood... they're all true. It's a beautiful theater. It has all of the old school decorations and charm that you'd expect in a theater from that era. The screen was wide, the seats were comfortable, and the sound was Dolby digital whatever. It was great!... and it's within walking distance to great food & dessert options, small business shopping, beautiful streetscapes, the lake, $400,000 town homes, performing arts, and other pieces that make it a destination! The people who lead the project to bring the Capitol back and build up the neighborhood around it should be given the urban metal of honor. I'm going to see as many movies as I can here and if you live in the area, I recommend you do the same! Hell make a night out of it. It's a beautiful theater and a wonderful area.

As for the movie... I liked it. Yes, it had an almost always nude woman in it which doesn't hurt a film but I liked the story. It was different and I tend to like different. I'm always a fan of introducing awkwardness to soccer moms and hands-in-the-air Christians although this movie did use the "Spoon full of Sugar" approach to do it. People of all kinds ultimately walked out of a Skin-a-max movie after it was over that they left the house to watch and now have to live with they're feelings on it... that makes me feel good about the world. No, I still won't read the book because:

"The movie had a mechanical shark and the book has... pages." - John Caparulo on Jaws

I am so Smart! I am so Smart! SMRT... I mean SMART!

In this weeks edition of I'm a Genius, we look to the orchestra playing on the deck of the Suburban Titanic known as Sun news. This week they try to put a band aid on a severed head by reporting on then trying to smooth over The Death of the American Mall. Oh and since it's the technology age they want you to share your photos... good lord grandma! Quit trying to be cool! Like a group of 60 year old townies sitting in a shitty small town bar, they just reminisce about their glory days until it's time to go back to their miserable home lives. Yes, 4 Uncle Rico's talking about how gaggles of teens ran up and down the hallowed halls of American unoriginal cookie cutter cult of personality at it's finest. Was it weird for you to find out that all 48 malls in your county also had a GAP?!? I though we were special...

All malls were were a sanctuary from the poor, scary, and ethnic. I mean they couldn't have been any more medieval castle if you put a moat around them with a drawbridge. Today's person is more connected and doesn't need a loitering spot that isn't online. Movies can be streamed and pirated online. Clothes can be orders online. Oh and if you haven't noticed this internet thing is here to stay.

What you need to do is give people a destination. A place with all sorts of things to do, see, and interact with. I go over the whole dying mall epidemic in my post about saving a supernova mall. Here's a summary for those who have read it already... there are too many malls, they are in the most boring places on the planet, and they're dying... all of them. You want retail? Move it downtown. Gambling, sporting events, theater, arts, culture, 4-star cuisine, museums... compare that to North Olmsted where you can either shop or try to dig your brain out of your ear with a spork.

Thanks for reading! Check out some of my other posts using the menu to the right. Most are just as fun and witty as this one. Please click on the advertisements so I can get literally fractions of cents. I love me some Cle-burger and fries! Nighty night folks and stay warm...

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