Addressing the CLE Mullet

I sometimes fear that my very hip beard look is going to go the way of the mullet someday and Facebook will be the everlasting reminder of how caught up in this weird trend I am. Why do I have it? I don't know. I just kinda don't feel like shaving. Maybe it's forgiveness lies in the fact that as long as I don't put an effort into it, I can just claim laziness...or crippling depression! Man we all knew back in the day that mullets were just awful. We were kids though so we all wanted long flowing metal hair still until parents got lazy and cheap and starting cutting hair with a bowl...although is that really cheaper than just letting it grow? We didn't have time to care about looks and the hormones to care about how we looked in front of girls so most of my classmates missed out on mullet-mania.

So why mullets? OK it's stretch but it adds framing so I just don't rant and complain for a whole post again this time. A man once described a mullet as "Business in the front, party in the back"...probably to a collection of poofy haired women drinking Alabama Slammers at the local honky tonk. He probably beat up some ninjas out back of the bar and totally got laid BUT his fun little description got me comparing stuff creatively. My fair city of Cleveland has some great momentum. People are moving downtown, there's a grocery store, Lebron, the RNC...and...other stuff... and that's all well and good but now that the rental market is running like a freight train, we should start looking at other things. Ready for it?

Business (in the front)

Small business is still not being supported like it should be but things are getting better as people slowly start to see that all of their favorite little shops and restaurants are all the babies of small business owners!...but I've done that to death so I'm going to focus the other way>>>BIG business! ::Sigh:: It can be said that business is business is business which in more better words means one thing... no matter what your feeling at this moment, business follows the money. No matter where your business resides at this moment, business follows the money. In case you need a 3rd scenario, business follows the money. Right now, what I like to call the "90's money" is in the suburbs. Not the close suburbs either. Think 2nd level. Traditional big business is in Westlake and along 271. Oh headquarters galore! Big sprawling castles with their parking lot moats paying almost nothing in taxes and squeezing every penny from where ever they can for their executives... MMMMMAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!! 

And there's nothing Cleveland can do about it...

Cuyahoga county says no poaching from other cities within the county. Businesses need to make the decision on their own. Fine. We were cool with that at a time because it seemed as if the 90's would never end. Golfing executives and Mom-jeaned PTA members were taking their families away from crime and ethnics out to the wonderful 2nd level suburbs. Just like the greatest generation, they saw a problem and they...ran from it like a bunch of pussies? Hey wait a minute!

See Nazi >> Go over and kill Nazi! See Crime >> Get me the F*ck outta here! We are literally more scared of blacks than we were of Nazis! Hell white people are more scared of their shadows sometimes... Well that's how my generation is starting to see it now anyways...but back in the 80's and 90's the new burbs were a blank slate. We could have all the land we wanted to mow and we'd design our neighborhood to be so expensive and exclusive that you could spot a car-jacker as a darker dot in the distance before he crossed the city boundary. You could build your own headquarters and no longer have to pay crazy downtown rent. Hell FREE PARKING DUDE!!! Plus there's a 13 lane highway just waiting to be overbuilt that'll bring people from hours away every day!...you know, white...people...from miles away.

So businesses left... in droves. A lot of them. BP, OfficeMax, Reliance Electric, Ferro Corp. Even, the Browns. Ya the Browns are a business. They left. Then 9/11. Then George W Bush. Then John Kasich. Then the recession. Things couldn't have been any worse for Cleveland...and then things started to turn around. At least that's what we read in the paper. Brooklyn, Portland, hipsters... and just when you started to think things were turning around LIKE FOR REAL 2013 TURNING AROUND...Eaton Corp left. It's just not Cleveland either. American Greeting left Brooklyn. The place where the Plain Dealer and Key left to go to years ago...had someone leave for greener pastures further out. What goes around comes around huh?

Oh and don't forget industry! Mexico and China...the Westlake and Mayfield of the world. And unlike business...Industry is never coming back. Never. Global economy or whatever buzz word they use for slave labor now-a-days just simply translates to no pride in America anymore. And politicians who weren't even in politics when it all went down will not 1) admit there was a mistake made or 2) do anything about it. It's permanent folks. Bye-bye industry.

What came in to replace them? Some small businesses but not as many. You can't forget the ones that stayed either. Damn good troopers! We love each and every one of them. All of this is to show you that as we finally get caught up to the 21st century notion of "people living downtown", we just aren't bringing in enough jobs to keep it going. Soon we're going to hit a magic number and as people pat themselves on the back...the next person who moves into an apartment is going to look out his or her window and say to themselves "This is cool...but how am I going to pay for all of it?" No job postings higher than min wage. "I have a college degree and even past that...I HAVE STUDENT LOAN DEBT!"

Oh and the state isn't going to help. Face it, to people in columbus, Cleveland is the capital of Kenya. We really should start having local celebs do commercials for the East Side at 3am. In the arms of the angles! Faaaaar aaaawwwwaaaaayyyyy from me... For just 12 cents a day you can feed a crackhead from Glenville's baby. One day someone who has power will care about Cleveland...

With all that being said, this city needs to do 2 things:

I) Start taking step to bring in some major businesses. 1 or 2 will keep this train going another 3-5 years further. Get them to buy in to the city and who knows. We just haven't seen a lot of that. We see businesses moving from building to building but we really need to see some jockeying from city hall trying to attract businesses here. Loud, vocal, and aggressive attempts! Apartments are just not enough!

II) Reward the businesses who are here now for still being here now! Free muffins every Monday for ever? Put some public art outside their buildings? Free window cleaning? Whatever it is, if you have been a company headquartered in Cleveland for more than 20 years...You deserve much more than a thank you! Free billboard advertising, whatever! New business is great but you wouldn't be here without these businesses who have stayed here and stayed loyal. Thank you.

Party (in the back)

I was saddened to hear that the Great American Ribs Cook-Off was cancelled after 24 years. This along with the Cleveland Rocks New Year's party being cancelled is starting to make me worry. Look, Cleveland is getting better but this city needs to let loose every once in awhile. Every step in the right direction is a milestone for old Cleve-town as it pushes against the nationally accepted suburban agenda. Truthfully, we like to get to relax and wipe our brow every so often as we take a breath. We look forward to enjoying ethnically themed food and music or summer classics or anything that allows us to forget about the grey gray winter. That's why Cleveland not having a new year's celebration while Akron gets to enjoy one is just embarrassing. Well, maybe not as embarrassing as Berea still having a Ribs cook-off and us not tho.

Look, we all cringed when you brought in techno and rap acts to headline your "Cleveland Rocks" event but we figured that you'd crack a history book and see that we are the god-damned home of ROCK AND ROLL!...and there are a plethora of local acts that you could have brought in to help us all "rock" in the new year. Cheap, up and coming, fun acts. Or you could have even went the lazy route and brought in an oldie but goody. You would have lost the young crowd a bit but...really you wouldn't have since every asshole in this region digs old time-a-rock and roll. I find it pathetic but it would have went over pretty well. Then, you could have went big time. You could have went huge local and huge talent and huge draw...you could have went Black Keys. You could have charged $50 a tickets for let's say Drew Carey, the Black Keys, and maybe Cleveland's own Nine Inch Nails??? Or went back in time and reunited Dazz Band for some Let It Whip. Or brought in Bone Thugs. Or something!!! Look, the Rock Scene is pretty meh and the bands coming out of Cleveland (or all of Ohio) are very meh but we have some stuff! And you're "not enough funds to go around because of the RNC" excuse was pathetic. I never got a call for money. If you didn't call me, you didn't call anyone. But most of all you fumbled the ball during a time when you can't do wrong in this city. For Shame...

Now loosing the Great American Ribs Cook-Off feels less like a choke job (like the New Years thing) and more like there were just too many options on one weekend thing. It was fairly inexpensive to get in and there were ribs and local rock acts like Ryan Humbert. Memorial Day is an event-crowded weekend as well with local events like the Tremont Greek Fest, Berea National Ribs Cook-off, and others happening all at the same time and vying for the same pool of people. That pool of people is a bit thin too since its a 3-5 day weekend (depending on how you maneuver your vacation days) which always offers the opportunity to go away on vacation. No matter what the reason it was cancelled, I'm sad to see this one go. It was on my list of things to attend this year and it's been around for 24 years. Loosing something that's been around for that long is a bummer.

Oh well. Change is always happening and as you lose one event you hopefully gain another. That's were I worry. I pray that we get a fun event that has great food and is something you can bring kids to. Maybe it'll become a national phenomenon and will always be married to Cleveland as the place it was born. Maybe it'll keep people from driving to Berea or Chagrin Falls or Twinsburg and they can just take the rapid in. Maybe there won't be a racially explosive public melee. Maybe we can just have a little fun together as a community.

So there's a bit of my achy-breaky heart on my sleeve. From Joe Dirt to Andre Agassi there are two thing we can learn... 1) Jumping on trends and riding them out works only so far until eventually you and your fad fade away into the abyss as a "burning river-esque" punchline. Having a well rounded approach while also pushing the boundary is a more sustainable plan that ensures you have nets set up in case...oh I don't know...let's say that the Medical Mart was as not as huge of a move as we thought... We're not just left with a giant empty mistake right on our city mall. Oh and 2) As much work as the business of turning this #2 most dangerous, burning river, mistake by the lake, section 8, welfare city around takes... we need to take time every once in awhile to enjoy our success and party.

Every once in awhile you have to go out on a limb urban explorers...but more often try to be the person who perfects the fad and not the person who tries to start them all...unless you can afford to. Then go ahead and San Fran it up cities!

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