The Big Sell

Before I get into "the big sell" I have some fun things I did recently that are note worthy:

1. We finally went to Slyman's and split a huge a$$ corned beef sandwich! The place is great (like they need me to tell you that?!?)! Good old diner/deli feel and everything positive you've heard is true. Sandwiches the size of your head...check! Is in the world's weirdest location although I'm sure it was a great area to be in back in the day...check! Reasonable prices...check! Crowded...check!--but nothing awful. A few mins tops and that was during lunch rush. We really are hipster douche bags if only for the fact that it took us this long to go there. Sorry Slyman's and we regret making you wait.

2. My parents came up on their own... I know right?!? Let that sink in. And it wasn't to see me! Or that's what they'd lead me to believe. They actually came up to see the Columbus Day parade in Little Italy. Well when I got the call I instantly sprang into action... you know, because I had they day off because I WORK AT A BAAAAAANK!!!! (that was meant to be sung metal style)... and headed out there to witness it for myself. I don't have picture proof since I dropped my phone in a parking lot and smashed it to a million billion pieces but I have the 8 lbs I gained at Pretis to show that we saw the little old people that reminded me of my grandparents, the men dressed like Rocky Balboa (there were like 3 who did so well I'm sure were doing it as a goof), the bread truck that threw out bags of bread during the parade, and all the beauty of the parade itself and the neighborhood. "Dio benedica tutti voi!"

3. I walked around the new Flats East Bank area and ate lunch at the new Beerhead Bar & Eatery. Congratulation Cleveland, you have a truly remarkable waterfront mixed use community in the northern end of the east and west banks of the Flats.The East Bank is remarkable and the boardwalk alone is worth the price of admission. Business, residential, hotel, mass transit, dining, and entertainment all in one neighborhood. It's everything this city was desperately needing in a new development and this definitely delivered. I only wish there was more of that Flats waterfront land that we could continue to capitalize on...oh wait, there's miles of flats shoreline that looks like a tumbleweed factory or is covered in piles of rocks. The second someone doesn't have another phase of this project is the day the zombie apocalypse begins because this idea of a mixed use Flats area that runs from the lake to the steel mills is way way overdue! Put the piles of stone somewhere we can't use...like the middle of the shit hole called the lower east side of Cleveland around ooooh let's say Miles Ave. Oooo or Glenville! That place is a dump. If you live there and don't care about it, why should we?

OK, now that that is out of the way...

In my neighborhood of Tremont and around some of the touristy places in the city you always see young people walking around, pointing, and explaining things to groups of similar aged friends or a pair of cautious looking older parents. It happens a lot really. We actually have a responsibility to the city to try to sell it to outsiders so that they visit/spend more or maybe even move here...or so they don't keep giving you shit about living here like the most negative god-damned broken record ever. It's like when a young good looking couple comes to look at the for sale house across the street. You come out on your porch and pretend to sweep hoping to catch a critique of the house or the neighborhood in their conversation. You're happy that it's a nice looking couple and that no one is "scary looking" to you. You know that if they move in, they'll do some repairs and everyone's home value will go up. You may even look inviting enough for them to come have a conversation with so you can give them you pitch. We all want good neighbors and we all want great things for our communities so we take some pride in where we live and try to recruit. Hell, I'm totally guilty of this. Gina, my parents, family, friends... Ya I'm constantly trying to sell poor Cleveland to all sorts of people:

• Take for instance the "I have kids and can only get away to Outback once a month between sports, play dates, work, and whatever other responsibilities" people. They just never have the time to come to Cleveland and decided that before they had kids they would follow that time tested suburban path to safety and overwhelming responsibility. No matter how much you pump up the city the glazed-over look in their eyes just screams "stop wasting my time with words and get my adrenaline running and pour cheap booze on all of that!" Understandable and we have that here. Screw architecture and public art. They want entertainment soaked in rum and get it all done by 11:00 pm so they can get the babysitter home on time. Those are fun for me if you can string a few of them together in a month. Hit it hard and fast! Damn the consequences!

• Another one of my favorite people are the "God I wish we did this before we..." people. Kids, marriage, got too old, bought a house outside the city, whatever... they live in constant regret and now for some reason can't get themselves to make the move. They come over a lot. They drive the 35 mins into the city regularly and get dinner. They go to sporting events. They go to festivals. They'd pull the trigger and move here in a heartbeat but schools, price, age, no close family, mortgage is underwater, the weird feeling of adulthood while city living is for the young, I love it but my husband/wife blah blah. Actually it always ends up being a combination of a few of those. They tend to make their reasoning very complicated in order to add some actual weight to their argument...which still only boils down to either fear of change or the fear that the city will go to shit again and they'll be stuck in a lease or mortgage in a constantly burning gang land of rape and property damage. I actually had that fear so I'm totally in tune with this group. Hell I was in this group for a long time. They're fun because they love the city and feets on the ground means money in the pockets of the local businesses so it's all good. Anyone who's a fan of the city here is a friend of mine... and a good adventuring buddy.

• I talk to these people a lot and they are complicated even though their ideal is simple... they're the "All I do is watch the news and read the paper" people. They know where every piece of trash is laying on the side of the road and where every violent crime was committed. They were in Cleveland once because they were forced to by work or for jury duty. They have awful memories of being asked for a quarter by a bum and they're never going back! Deep down these people are "Racist white person" and "I'm too good for poor people fo-yuppie" and sometimes even "Poor Republican person". You know, scared white folks with a sense of entitlement. You feel compelled to bring these people out of the 1950's like you feel compelled to correct a person who keeps mispronouncing a word trying to seem smart. If you could only find a common bond then you could build on it and show them that there is good in Cleveland just like in all cities...nope. Just like their thoughts on interracial marriage, the Muslim religion, and vegetarianism... they're wrong and they ain't budging no matter how much you try. They believe city living is for the poor, colored, and uneducated. They need their McCastle, their white picket moat, and their chariot to get them places that give them low quality food at reasonable prices. These ideals are really openly taught here in Ohio and in other places around the country. They replace things like logic, sound reasoning, and thinking for yourself. These people will only make you feel as awful as they make me feel. Hope that their hate hasn't touched too many others.

• The next group is interesting indeed. They are the "I've lived less than a hour away from Cleveland and have never been here" people. There's no good personal reasons for it. They just enjoyed their town so much that they never really had a need to leave or they had a weird upbringing that was church centered or they had scared parents or they were 90's kids who hung out at malls and went of field trips to farms. Even though they're my age or older the walk down the street with such child-like wonder in their eye that they get easily overloaded with everything. I often here "there's just so much to take in" or "I never knew there was so much here". You know what helps? Movies and TV shows. They paint such a "calm, fun, safe place to get into so many adventures" picture of downtown's that if that's your only reference point, you forget crime stats and the news and just focus on the "Tall buildins" and "beautiful fountains" and "all these people". I love love love these people because they don't have any fear or if they do, there's not a lot of it. They look at all of this great stuff just like I do. With wonderment and awe and promise. Most of the time they're just happy to not be at a Friday's looking across a strip mall at a Dunkin' Doughnuts.

• The last group of people I'll talk about today are the most grumpy I come across. I know why but they'll never admit it. It's the "I used to live here when it all went to shit" people. These were Clevelanders from back in the day when cities were gritty and the factory jobs were still here. They wear old violent crime stats for newly gentrified places like Tremont and Ohio City as a badge of honor on their forehead for everyone to see. Before cupcake places and wine bars there were the dirt covered factory workers bar where you got a shot and a beer, listened to the Indian's game, stumbled home just wildly enough to avoid random gun fire. I picture their homes being like the kids home from the new Willy Wonka movie. 9 people sleeping in one room and the roof has a leak in it. Anyways, the reason their so grumpy is because the same streets where there dog was shot, their kid's bike was stolen, and their brother-in-law lost his leg to tetanus from a rusty fence are now safe and warm and gentrified and filled with hipster hangouts, 4-star restaurants, and art galleries. They had to work 60 hour a week swing shifts and I can take the day off and drink a chi-tea latte in the park without being attacked by wolves. They do however through all of that grit and anger have a wealth of history that most of us were either too not born yet or too scared to be a part of. They remind you not to take any of this for granted so I like talking to them as long as they don't start swinging a rust pipe wrench at me while they flash back to the Hough riots.

There are more but I won't make this longer than it already is. I do my best based on who I'm selling to but there is no book for this. Everyone's different and you just have to be as positive and realistic as you can. I take it personally a lot and I can't do that because it damages relationship...that's hard not to do though. Look urban pioneers, you can't sell you dream to everyone because you are not everyone. Just hope that your circle overlaps another's enough to be able to share in the ven diagram experience.

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