If I like you, you get $20 and that's it

2015 was relatively quiet. Not many birthday's or anniversaries or weddings or babies or housewarmings or the dreaded reveal party. Lots of driving but not to any big gifting events. We had free and open weekends to do whatever. This year however, there are more parties and events than cicadas to go to. I don't at all mind saying congrats to someone for something but I'm 36 man...This shit should have been over years ago. It makes me feel less like life's conscientious objector and more like life's born loser in a rambling group of similarly lucked wanderers along with the normal-people-friends we can't quite let go of...who, let's be real, use us to live life vicariously through.

I was asked a few weekends back if moving from Lakewood to Tremont was just as expensive only with money going to different buckets. I thought for a quick second, said "no", and rambled off the first 64 reasons that came to mind first of which was "I rent! I'm not one of those people who can afford to own there."...until recently. More on that later but 1 cliff hanger I won't leave out there is that most of the people who live around us have cars that cost more...and smell less of cats. Then there's taxes and traffic and we treat the 4 star places just like you do (anniversaries, birthdays, v-day) and proximity/temptation to awesome things going on all the time. Blah blah blah...and I still stand by my decision to move to Cleveland financially. It has worked out in my favor but it's funny how Tremont really gets people to think of Cleveland less like a shit hole and more like the dog ate and shit out my Rolex...Tremont's the Rolex.

The person who asked was from up here so I'm sure they follow all of the goings on but on the other hand I know people who live up here who still think the city's one big crack den. I guess that's the difference between people and probably experiences. It is nice and refreshing to talk to people who accept your lifestyle choices and are only inquisitive to learn more about the topic. It's like people CAN be normal sometimes. Who'd have thunk it?!?

Well this blog is going to shift gears here real soon which is sorta why I've been having fun with sarcasm throughout the last couple of posts. That and I've kinda written about all the stuff I'm doing since most of it is yearly or regularly scheduled. Ethnic festivals, sporting events, pro-urbanism, yadda-yadda... I may have 1 more sarcastically funny post before all of the pieces fall into place but that depends on a lot. Such is life. Nothing is given. Everything is earned...a you probably got ripped off somewhere. Oh and go Cavs!

Family...you only have 1...but if you have one, there are some times when you've said to yourself "Fuck these [adj] assholes! I'm having my own Friendsgiving next year. No one's gonna miss me! There are 72 people who show up and I don't want to hear one of them brag or question me about [whatever]." Or you can be like Gina who writes emotional handwritten letters like it's the 18-god-damned-40's. Either way you never really go through with it but it is easy to vent and complain when you try to think of how in the wide wide world of sports you could be related to someone. Then they get pregnant or knock someone up. This is the spark that sets off the string of events that ends with you being out $145 and a straight to voicemail call when you need help moving. 

Now I know it's the age of Facebook but celebrating every tiny step in your life and expecting to be treated like royalty the whole way is just not acceptable nor is it being tolerated behind closed doors. I like Pintrest as much as the next man of questionable sexuality but this world wide web of BS has created even more stupid gift giving parties than there were before...and there were way too many before! Go ahead and have a "Bump Party" and a "Reveal Party" and a "Baby Shower" and then an oh shit "Bridal Shower" and a lame I can't drink "Bachelor/Bachelorette Party" and then a "Wedding and Reception" and last of all a "Housewarming Party" BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT...we are all bitching and complaining behind your back. We are. Not just the men either. You're not a queen or king. Life is gonna suck from here on out no matter what you get into. These little parties are kinda your last hurrahs but they are in no way a birth rite! If you are worthy of a gift, you will get a gift. These are not to be demanded or assumed. Sometimes people can't pay their damn bills and don't have $49.99 to spend on a sterling silver ladle that tells time and gets XM radio from Sharper Image. This in no way makes them the assholes of the world, if they attend empty handed. This My MTV Sweet 16 mentality on parties is criminal when you don't have anything to give.

Oh and if we attend and brought a gift, get your god damned back brace on because you're helping us unmarried and barren dredges of society move. Fuck your thank you card! It certainly is nice but unless you personalize them a smidge, we know you probably hired someone to write them. Oh and you get Miller Lite and  pizza as a "thank you"...bring that $65 serving tray over and eat that greasy shit off of it--Punk. Life is a series of pay and pay backs. It starts off with the Parent/Child "Diapers-to-diapers" agreement which states that since your parents took care of you when you needed it, you gotta take care of them when they need it. No questions asked. That's the big one. Others include the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours fair trade agreement" and the less popular "BJ/VJ birthday trade off". No more should we live in a system where the most organized and female driven of us get to have the longest guest lists, the most creative pointless parties, and the most judgy gift opening ceremonies.

Now I get that my gift counter balances the cost of my meal and drinks at a wedding reception. I really do and these traditional one-off events are cool. They make logical sense to me. However, tack on 6 other "gifting parties" to this and make some of them pot luck to boot and FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU! No one cares about whatever is going on in your life that much. You're just being a greedy attention whore and need to stop it. You're not the first person/couple to do whatever you are doing...unless you are defying all odds. Like you lost both of your testicle in a tragic slip and slide accident but still was able to (after a series of blood/DNA/paternity/Maury tests) get your wife pregnant...then throw a damn blow out! 2 or 3 even. I'll buy you tight underwear as a gift so you forget your missing friends...you know since there won't be extra fabric chaffing your inner leg.

If you want to do the classy thing, do this...put on the invite that gifts aren't necessary. I bet you still get them. I bet more people show up. I bet everyone has some more fun. Oh and take all the tags off the gifts before you open them and keep in your mind that all of your friends and family are rooting for you no matter what they got you...even if it's an IOU to be paid back during better days. Life's a fucked up thing but it's not like that forever and true friends know when and how to pay you back (strippers and plumbing help).

There's none of this going on currently in my life so don't freak out. This just seems to be the year for everyone to have everything happen to them...and we're happy for most of you. Others, we'll buy you a drink on the other end.

On and around the same topic, tell me if this is fucked up...have you ever seen a baby play with the box a toy came in instead of the toy? Ya, babies are stupid. So I was thinking, what if instead of buying tons and tons of toys for the baby's first couple of birthdays...you just give money that the parent can (hopefully not gamble away but) put into a college savings account since the price of that shit ain't going down anytime soon...or plumber college or for a down payment on a house or something but no matter what, they'll have options. I know we like to buy babies toys but while they sleep and cry 94% of the day, let's make sure they have a chance to make something out of themselves...alright damn you can give the money in a box and they can play with the box once the parents are done saying thank you and knowing that they might be able to afford a couples get-a-way after junior leaves the nest. I literally bring this up more times than I wish to admit.

It takes a village...as long as that village has no highways and has proper bike lanes, buildings built up to the sidewalk, and mixed use neighborhoods.

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Now I'm Moving Forward

So every once in awhile I like to colorfully complain and rant about things that bother me about where I'm at in this blog. Most of it is truth wrapped in the sweet candy shell of my sharp wit and use of unnecessary adjectives. So no, I'm not going through a mid-life crisis and yes, it's therapeutic for me to get it off of my chest...and yes I seem less like less of an asshole if I make it funny or at least entertaining in some way. Oh and when I say things like "everyone" and "all", I don't mean the entirety of people referenced. Like I hate anyone who rides a motorcycle if they've done 1 of 2 things:

1. Dated a girl before me so I have to hold my "Computer experience and stable wage" up against "the freedom of the open road/the wind through my hair". Listen ladies...if you know someone who is cool or have dated someone who's cool or have done cool things, the worst way to try to get back that 40 cents an hour and the best way to kill boners is to tell your current boyfriend about it. It's a dick move and most times we like women because they traditionally lack in the "dick move" category. This has happened with every basically every woman I've ever dated and I've only recently pointed a finger and said out loud "Dick Move". We as mediocre men have a constant awareness of our positives and negatives. We don't need you or anyone to shine a big loud revving light on them. 
2. Have ever ruined a quiet evening or morning that I was a participant in with your loudness.

See, this basically takes the entirety of the motorcycling community and narrows it down to like 50 people...most of whom live(d) in Ohio...most of whom live(d) in Northeast Ohio. So if you've never been here before, we can still be mates with 100% certainty. You can even drag a prostitute behind your motorcycle for giving you an STD and as long as it doesn't disturb a nice quiet time I'm enjoying nor is the prostitute a future girlfriend of mine...we be cool.

I have mental rules like this for lots of stuff. Like... I've just stopped washing silverware because it's too tedious and they're hard to see by visitors if it's just them in the sink so I look less like a slob. Gina does them (eventually) and I'm ok with every one having a little hardened food still on them. I just want to knock out the big dishes and have made the most progress for my effort. Ummm...I've just stopped caring about cars. I have a KIA Soul so yeah...just don't care about them anymore. I'll take a clown car and lease the shit outta it until I die. The only thing that's left in the car world that peaks my interest is the electric car. Oh I want one day to have enough money to buy an American car too. Upfront money and money for repairs earlier than anticipated. Ooooor I'm just never going to pet a pit bull...or go to a house where one is...or try not to think about them period. "Why?!? My pity is so nice and sweet!" Every once in awhile someone who has never done LSD but has lots of time to ponder his own life realizes one thing...if it's a bad thing that has odds of happening that's 1 and a very large number it happens to this guy >>> Me. I'm the 1. So to this point, I'm going to die from a piano being dropped out of a large building's window. Hopefully I pop up out of it in a dying breath moment with keys for teeth like in the cartoons! So ya, your pity is going to bite my face or genitals off. Nothing against you for adopting a modern day dinosaur. I just know how this book ends.

So with that explanation out of the way, I have all sorts of things in my life to be happy about. They just really aren't entertaining. They used to be. I partied my ass off for the first year and change of this little experiment. Now I'm coasting. I don't like it but reality is all about dealing with work, money, and home. We don't have enough something to something. Time, money, friends, drive, sleep... It really is a tough time and I hear about it every single day so there's no escaping from it. BUT...

It's nice out again...sorta...sometimes!

Public Square as of 5/3/16.

It's nice out sorta so I'm again willing to push against the still kinda cold wind in order to get from my free parking spot to the Higbee building for work. Passing the bum, the thick brush, the crumbling sidewalk, and constant RNC construction is the best way to prepare for work and your day in my opinion. I get a brisk 15-20 min walk depending on which lights I hit and that's great for my health! I get to wander on my break to a window and get a great birds eye view of the almost finished Public Square. It looks so much better and less like what Soviets thought everything should look like...concrete and square...oh and cold.  I get to go out to lunch and walk some more. Pick a different area and travel a bit. Not everything downtown is expensive. There's a huge push to get lunchtime crowds so it can get competitive price-wise. You just have to know where to look. Oh and online coupons help too but I get free parking already so I can splurge a smidge...and by splurge I mean $10. Grab a bite and a few pics of new stuff going on in the area and it's back to work.

The elevators in my building downtown still have the floor descriptions in them from the old department store days. It's hard to think that there were more than one of these huge places in the same downtown until you consider that there weren't any outside of downtown so that's where everyone went. Floor after floor of clothes and shoes, and jewelry and home goods. Ah the good old days! And it's all yellowish brown metals and marble in the elevator banks. When you get into the office areas they've been scrubbed of all life because HR knows best but those elevator banks and lobby areas are still as ornate and fancy as they used to be. 

The walk back to my car after work is over is less exciting than you'd think. Sometimes you can hear what inning it is at the Jake or see 7 billion pre-teens milling about in the equivalent of clown makeup for a teen heartthrob concert at the Q or just a line of cars coming in and out of the city...but either way I have to walk that same 20 mins before I can get to my car a retreat to Tremont which is a 1 exit trip on the highway since the bridge they're working on in the flats only goes west-east. One day when I can gather some extra scratch, I'll get my bike fixed and bike to work. That could be fun.

Indians 7 - Chowda 6 (4/6)
Even though we're on like Game 23, Gina, Kerry, and I got to go to the Jake for the Indians game 2 of the 2016 season! It was a smidge chilly but overall ok. It seemed like there were a lot of Bostonians in the crowd that day so I was extra happy when we beat them and most of all happy that they had to pay for hotel rooms and meals to help along our economy. Thanks Boston! You were just as loud as we expected.

There were a load of things that changed since even the end of last year. There are still semi trailers in the outfield, a standing room only section, and a kids play area. Ehh... but there are even less seats to like have to deal with right? It's embarrassing the amount of empty seats for Indian's games and I as a fan shoulder the blame especially when I lived through the sellout era of the 90's. Back then when you got an Indians ticket for an off day batting practice you thanked Jesus, took the day off, and packed the minivan. It was your chance to hob knob with the city's rich and famous! It was the place to be and you were lucky enough to be able to get past the velvet rope.

Now...I think the area's rich and famous have moved on to something else because it sure as hell ain't baseball. I actually think it's retirement so like Florida and Arizona and Europe... you know, not spending a dime here where you got famous. Thanks rich people! So now you only go an Indians game to see fireworks or for opening day because...booze? Nice job. Your tiny dog doesn't need a sweater and your kids don't need VR goggles. You need to fall back in love with Tribe baseball!...especially because your slub ass can't afford a Cavs ticket now that they're good again! Plus if you keep putting it off, at this rate, there won't be any seats left in our fair stadium. There will be a daycare, 2 gas stations, an Applebees, a Best Cuts, and section 8 housing...oh and the filed.

Well kiddos, that's all I got for now. Sometimes you need to shed your baggage urban peeps in order to move forward more easily.

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I'm Stuck in Neutral

I know Northeast Ohioans. Hell I even am one. That being said...I know some of this is going to hurt to hear but it needs to be said:

We actually need your help fixing the crap you broke to begin with.

The 20th century is over. Seriously. I know that's when all your "good old days" were and your hair style was popular and the music you listen to was popular and you got all the sex you could ever try to remember but the 21st century needs you. You can for sure try to keep things they way they were but you need to be present and conscious and contributing. You really screwed things up and it's more than we can fix while you remember high school football. A lot of you shouldn't be rewarded for the very little you did from voting idiots into office that ruined this country all the way to raising shitty little drains on society. We aren't going to live as long as you. We're not going to have as much money as you. We aren't going to be as successful as you. It's the equivalent to not knowing how to tie your shoes out there in this scary ass world. A big sarcastic thank you from all of us trying to fix this mess.

The museum and you have a lot in common.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame city is losing to Akron as far as birthing good relevant rock bands goes. Rock, like this city and you, hasn't been consistently awesome since the 70's. One of them is making a comeback. The others have a coolness factor that is on life support. Guess which ones are which?...
Rock is dead because you were or had bad parents. There's a McDonalds on every corner for the exact same reason. You forgot what it was like to rebel and push the envelope and then rebel some more. The suburbs are your recliner with an attached remote. You can move the chair up and forward so much that you don't have to even expel energy to get out of it. This world has made you soft and conquerable. You pick the best of the shit that's offered to you and you take solice in the fact that you at least you were given a choice.
With Rock falling more and more into obscurity every year, Cleveland can be its retirement home and life support. Rock venues, record companies, old fogies tour stops, Hall of Fame, ect... The Austin or Nashville or Memphis of Rock and Roll is just waiting to be milked for every dollar.

You're better off supporting the Arts.

You will die before the Browns win the Superbowl so you can stop buying tickets. Hell making or hosting a Superbowl may never happen in your lifetime either. The Indians might make it back to a World Series but it's like a tree falling in the woods. Oh and on a similar note, the Semi Trailers in the upper deck at Jacob's Field look stupid...and it's all our faults for not going to more games. Oh and all you idiots (including me even though I didn't vote for it) help pay for a millionaire's to make these "improvements" to your stadiums. All they do is keep sending out crappy teams to play there.

And while we're on the subject of sports...Old men who watch young high school boys they aren't related to play sports kinda creeps me out. Unless it's homecoming. I get school spirit and coaching but if you haven't been to "school" in 15 years and you never miss a game...take up a hobby like woodworking.

There's a very small percentage of you who are actually "successful".

You are basically the assistant to the assistant manager.
The Republican party could care less about most of you. Think about it. Do you make more money when they're in office? Do you ever see any of the huge topics go one way or the other? Face it. You're just a pawn who hates gays and/or minorities. You got tricked and are so afraid of the stigma your viewpoint carries that you have to ride this turd wave all the way.

Just because you drive a foreign luxury car doesn't mean you can drive like an asshole. It's never a dude in a Kia and when it is, it's not on purpose. I guess rich people just can't wait.

Which bathroom people use is distracting you from what really matters...here's a hint: it's not guns, abortion, gay marriage, immigration, or welfare.

If I were homeless, I'd panhandle at Crocker Park just to see the reactions. I may even pull my balls through my zipper while I do it.

No one wants to talk to you about politics or unions or religion. We'll ask your opinion when we need it. This is actually for both sides. Most of the time people are just ignorantly repeating things the rest of us heard already but don't have the heart to call you out. I am well aware that I am breaking this one right now but if you got this far...you've been fooled again.

"Get'er Done" is nothing to be proud of.

Take your giant truck with the sparkling clean bed and go back to the suburbs...and drive off a bridge.

I hate the sound motorcycles make so much it makes me hate people who drive them. If a Prius can have little to no sound, so can a motorcycle. It's not a question of safety. It's a giant clock around Flavor Flav's neck. A toddler crying for attention. A jerk just looking to bother people. I'll never understand it and I'm not sure you want me to. I just don't get why this is cool?

If you think moving to Florida is a good idea, move there. We need our schools to improve.
If you've seen one tree, you've seen them all. Unless they're huge...or bare fruit. Then I'd like a pear please.
Stop subsidizing corn. That shit's in everything and it's slowly killing us all. I'm pretty sure you can take the training wheels off that tank. Plus farms shouldn't be too big to fail just like banks.
I really really like Bluegrass music. Maybe one day when women move on to something else it'll be popular again. Yup, women drive country music today. Started about 1995. Men, you have been tricked. In revolt, I invite you to fill your beer cans up with lighter fluid, tear the sleeves off your shirt, tuck them down the hole, light that shit, and fire bomb the next Luke Bryan concert... then give your old lady a black eye to show her your country should be more like Merl and less like N'sync. Mmmerica!

I like this city.
Your smooth fast car ride to downtown on a highway is not as important as the neighborhoods highways destroy. Highways don't pay taxes either but the houses that were destroyed to build them did. Why don't they pave these damn road again?
I'd shit if I could pay 1/4 of my yearly car payments for a metro card and keep the rest because I don't need my car anymore. It's almost a litmus test for having a successful city. Your citizens only need 1 car. Oh and if you complain about traffic, move closer to your job. Unless you like to complain. Then just stay away.
DUI's exist because bars were made to be walked to and from. If you can't stumble home from a bar, you live in the wrong area...and that's what's wrong with America.
I get sad seeing pictures of the buildings that have been torn down in this city. Like really really sad.
I wish this city had more people with mo-hawks and less with fohawks. There's a real lack of creativity and art here. Maybe they're all starving and fighting for exposure...
My soul died a little when they cancelled Cleveland's New Years Eve party. It was something we could hold up and say "Hey, we got this too!". It was also the thing no one wanted to face...this city doesn't have enough money yet to be everything it could.
I hate to shop at Giant Eagle. That being said, I take Gina there as a treat when I know she's down...even though I know she goes there almost everyday...or I don't complain when she takes me to one.
No matter how well Cleveland does, as long as a good rain prevents you from swimming in the lake because there might be some floating poop...we will never overcome our negative perception.
If Chicago gets deep dish pizza and NYC gets NY style pizza, Cleveland should start putting pizza in perogies as filler. Cleveland - Home of the Polish Pizza Hot Pocket!
This city has too many houses under 1000 square feet. I'm not saying get rid of them all but Jesus that's all that's out there. Old people aren't moving into a 1000 sq foot house in Cuddell even though there are literally 100,000 of them available. Oh and banks aren't giving mortgages for $36k.
Progress is made in this city everyday and it makes me proud.

Misc thoughts I wrote while in a bad mood.

As much as you want to bang your 22 year old waitress is exactly how much your wife loves banging her ex behind your back. Don't believe the hype. Women are 40 cents an hour away from being just as big of a collection of assholes as men are. Which leads me to my next point...

To want equality because you're jealous of the shit someone else gets away with is just wrong. We are all inspiring to have a life like the wolf of Wall St and that's not for everyone. Someone out there has to be nice and honest. So few are and I've noticed recently a magnet like attraction to people who say "please", "thank you", or who just smile. Doesn't matter who. Just be pleasant.

Something that's cool doesn't mean it's good. It just means kids like it and they are the dumbest of us all.

This one is so close to my heart that I saved it for the end...

The weather is not news. We all have phones...and windows.

Sometimes you just have to say something to get it off your chest urban explorers even if it's hard to hear.

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What HAVEN'T we been up to?!?

So it's been about a month since my last post so I'll catch you up on what the hell we've been up to...

Orchid Mania at the Cleveland Botanical Garden - Gina and I love the Botanical Garden! We also love Groupons and when we got one to Orchid Mania, we decided to grab it quickly and go. Orchids are beautiful but are also super weird looking. Some have pouch leaves. Some look like the Atlanta Hawks old swooping hawk logo. You can dye the petals to make them turn beautiful colors. They really do hold their own as the focus flower of this wonderful event and you can't beat the Botanical Garden as a venue.

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Happy Birthday! - One day I will get to eat the roasted pigs head at the Greenhouse Tavern but unfortunately this birthday wasn't that day...because no one could come to my birthday party. See Gina is good at inviting people and getting together a group for an outing and I still think all my friends are single and childless. F#cking adults... That didn't stop us from dwindling our reservations down from 10 to 2 and going for my favorite dinner that can only be described as a marathon of garlic >> Crispy Chicken Wings Confit! Oh and of course I get them with animal style frites. The wings are citrus, spicy, and super garlicky but they fall off the bone as you try to dig them out of a bowl filled with garlic cloves. This is not a "date" meal. This is a "she's accidentally left a turd in the toilet and I saw it" meal. You'll sweat garlic for days. Your breath will be awesomely garlicky. Your "stuff" may just take on the taste...think along the lines of pineapple. With all that being said...it's totally worth it. One day I will try something else on the menu because I've heard the guy's a good cook or something (winky face) but for my birthday, this was my gift to me.

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Postsecret the Show at Playhouse Square - Before I went to this show I had no idea what Postsecret was. The name does not lend itself to what it's about like say "The Vagina Monologues". Gina knew all about it and so she bought the tickets. I was just happy to go to Playhouse Square. I'm a simple idiot. I won't give it all away because I think it was very powerful to go in with a blank slate but what I will say is that you will cry your god-damned eyes out and then...without warning you burst into laughter...shortly after that you sink deep into thought. This thing is an emotional roller coaster and not like crappy movies when they say they are and then you get a sorry breakup/reconcile story that no one cares about. This is the real deal and the crazy thing is...none of it is fake. These are real secrets that people wrote down and sent into their website. It's sad to hear people's inner thoughts when they are battling depression or loss or envy or fear...but on the other hand it is kinda refreshing to hear someone confess something that you've been holding inside and have been to afraid to face. This in my opinion is a must experience for everyone. You won't leave the same person you were when you walked in.

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This was me for a few days...Ahem...I mean "Thisa waza me fora few dayz!"

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St. Patrick's Day - So since Gina is Irish and my sister Emily wants to be Irish we all got together and celebrated St. Patrick's Day! In true Irish fashion Gina yelled at the wait staff at the Flat Iron Cafe because they wouldn't serve her Irish Car Bombs at 6:30 am because "this city is stupid and laws are for assholes". My sister took a picture of a woman with the biggest boobs on the planet. I didn't get as hammered as I wanted to but did get to go to Moriarty's on East 6th for a shot of Jameson's. Then the parade happened! It was a lot of fun and I didn't take a lot of pics this year because...well it's a parade and those things don't change too much so if you want to see pics go back a year and look at that post. So anywho, Emily left after awhile and Gina and I took a nap before we did something else and went to bed...Oh we ate corned beef!...and then went to bed. Man we're old!

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Castaway Bay - We went to Castaway Bay because Gina is a 12 year old girl at heart...plus Emily and my nephew Jeremy were there to celebrate his good grades or negative drug test or a promotion or whatever kids do well now a days. I admit that I wasn't expecting to have a lot of fun being a 240 lbs 36 year old. I thought it was going to be full of trashy parents in inappropriate and revealing swimwear drinking and not at all watching their kids who are all stuck by their ankles up-side-down in a rope net somewhere being slowly dripped on Chinese water torture style....oh and the water is like 82% pee. I was surprised though because I did have fun! Lots of fun actually. The rest of that stuff was true too but it was all part of the experience so I was good to go. We played in the arcade. We chilled in the indoor/outdoor hot tub. We climbed the jungle gym of water. We rode a water propelled roller coaster! It was a damn good time and I'm glad Em and J invited us.

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Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Private Tour - Thanks to Eli and Alexa Kazimir for inviting us to tag along on their private tour of the Rock Hall! Our tour guide (who's name escapes me at the moment) was super entertaining and informative. We got to see a lot of behind the scenes areas, offices, and got some great background info on even some of the most overlooked exhibits! If you have an opportunity to take a tour, even if you've recently went to the Rock Hall on your own, I highly recommend you go! It was quite an experience and gives you a whole new appreciation of rock. Plus there's going to be a new restaurant out on the pier soon so you can make it a nice and easy, walkable, date night! Get back to your rock roots and head bang your blues away.

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Well that's it for now. I think we're all caught up except for Dyngus Day but I'll save that for another post. The Avenue at Tower City was sold to Dan Gilbert. Will he listen to me and add residential to Tower City finally??? We'll have to wait and see. Summer is coming urban explorers and that means festivals are just around the corner! A city is there for all to enjoy.

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Addressing the CLE Mullet

I sometimes fear that my very hip beard look is going to go the way of the mullet someday and Facebook will be the everlasting reminder of how caught up in this weird trend I am. Why do I have it? I don't know. I just kinda don't feel like shaving. Maybe it's forgiveness lies in the fact that as long as I don't put an effort into it, I can just claim laziness...or crippling depression! Man we all knew back in the day that mullets were just awful. We were kids though so we all wanted long flowing metal hair still until parents got lazy and cheap and starting cutting hair with a bowl...although is that really cheaper than just letting it grow? We didn't have time to care about looks and the hormones to care about how we looked in front of girls so most of my classmates missed out on mullet-mania.

So why mullets? OK it's stretch but it adds framing so I just don't rant and complain for a whole post again this time. A man once described a mullet as "Business in the front, party in the back"...probably to a collection of poofy haired women drinking Alabama Slammers at the local honky tonk. He probably beat up some ninjas out back of the bar and totally got laid BUT his fun little description got me comparing stuff creatively. My fair city of Cleveland has some great momentum. People are moving downtown, there's a grocery store, Lebron, the RNC...and...other stuff... and that's all well and good but now that the rental market is running like a freight train, we should start looking at other things. Ready for it?

Business (in the front)

Small business is still not being supported like it should be but things are getting better as people slowly start to see that all of their favorite little shops and restaurants are all the babies of small business owners!...but I've done that to death so I'm going to focus the other way>>>BIG business! ::Sigh:: It can be said that business is business is business which in more better words means one thing... no matter what your feeling at this moment, business follows the money. No matter where your business resides at this moment, business follows the money. In case you need a 3rd scenario, business follows the money. Right now, what I like to call the "90's money" is in the suburbs. Not the close suburbs either. Think 2nd level. Traditional big business is in Westlake and along 271. Oh headquarters galore! Big sprawling castles with their parking lot moats paying almost nothing in taxes and squeezing every penny from where ever they can for their executives... MMMMMAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!! 

And there's nothing Cleveland can do about it...

Cuyahoga county says no poaching from other cities within the county. Businesses need to make the decision on their own. Fine. We were cool with that at a time because it seemed as if the 90's would never end. Golfing executives and Mom-jeaned PTA members were taking their families away from crime and ethnics out to the wonderful 2nd level suburbs. Just like the greatest generation, they saw a problem and they...ran from it like a bunch of pussies? Hey wait a minute!

See Nazi >> Go over and kill Nazi! See Crime >> Get me the F*ck outta here! We are literally more scared of blacks than we were of Nazis! Hell white people are more scared of their shadows sometimes... Well that's how my generation is starting to see it now anyways...but back in the 80's and 90's the new burbs were a blank slate. We could have all the land we wanted to mow and we'd design our neighborhood to be so expensive and exclusive that you could spot a car-jacker as a darker dot in the distance before he crossed the city boundary. You could build your own headquarters and no longer have to pay crazy downtown rent. Hell FREE PARKING DUDE!!! Plus there's a 13 lane highway just waiting to be overbuilt that'll bring people from hours away every day!...you know, white...people...from miles away.

So businesses left... in droves. A lot of them. BP, OfficeMax, Reliance Electric, Ferro Corp. Even, the Browns. Ya the Browns are a business. They left. Then 9/11. Then George W Bush. Then John Kasich. Then the recession. Things couldn't have been any worse for Cleveland...and then things started to turn around. At least that's what we read in the paper. Brooklyn, Portland, hipsters... and just when you started to think things were turning around LIKE FOR REAL 2013 TURNING AROUND...Eaton Corp left. It's just not Cleveland either. American Greeting left Brooklyn. The place where the Plain Dealer and Key left to go to years ago...had someone leave for greener pastures further out. What goes around comes around huh?

Oh and don't forget industry! Mexico and China...the Westlake and Mayfield of the world. And unlike business...Industry is never coming back. Never. Global economy or whatever buzz word they use for slave labor now-a-days just simply translates to no pride in America anymore. And politicians who weren't even in politics when it all went down will not 1) admit there was a mistake made or 2) do anything about it. It's permanent folks. Bye-bye industry.

What came in to replace them? Some small businesses but not as many. You can't forget the ones that stayed either. Damn good troopers! We love each and every one of them. All of this is to show you that as we finally get caught up to the 21st century notion of "people living downtown", we just aren't bringing in enough jobs to keep it going. Soon we're going to hit a magic number and as people pat themselves on the back...the next person who moves into an apartment is going to look out his or her window and say to themselves "This is cool...but how am I going to pay for all of it?" No job postings higher than min wage. "I have a college degree and even past that...I HAVE STUDENT LOAN DEBT!"

Oh and the state isn't going to help. Face it, to people in columbus, Cleveland is the capital of Kenya. We really should start having local celebs do commercials for the East Side at 3am. In the arms of the angles! Faaaaar aaaawwwwaaaaayyyyy from me... For just 12 cents a day you can feed a crackhead from Glenville's baby. One day someone who has power will care about Cleveland...

With all that being said, this city needs to do 2 things:

I) Start taking step to bring in some major businesses. 1 or 2 will keep this train going another 3-5 years further. Get them to buy in to the city and who knows. We just haven't seen a lot of that. We see businesses moving from building to building but we really need to see some jockeying from city hall trying to attract businesses here. Loud, vocal, and aggressive attempts! Apartments are just not enough!

II) Reward the businesses who are here now for still being here now! Free muffins every Monday for ever? Put some public art outside their buildings? Free window cleaning? Whatever it is, if you have been a company headquartered in Cleveland for more than 20 years...You deserve much more than a thank you! Free billboard advertising, whatever! New business is great but you wouldn't be here without these businesses who have stayed here and stayed loyal. Thank you.

Party (in the back)

I was saddened to hear that the Great American Ribs Cook-Off was cancelled after 24 years. This along with the Cleveland Rocks New Year's party being cancelled is starting to make me worry. Look, Cleveland is getting better but this city needs to let loose every once in awhile. Every step in the right direction is a milestone for old Cleve-town as it pushes against the nationally accepted suburban agenda. Truthfully, we like to get to relax and wipe our brow every so often as we take a breath. We look forward to enjoying ethnically themed food and music or summer classics or anything that allows us to forget about the grey gray winter. That's why Cleveland not having a new year's celebration while Akron gets to enjoy one is just embarrassing. Well, maybe not as embarrassing as Berea still having a Ribs cook-off and us not tho.

Look, we all cringed when you brought in techno and rap acts to headline your "Cleveland Rocks" event but we figured that you'd crack a history book and see that we are the god-damned home of ROCK AND ROLL!...and there are a plethora of local acts that you could have brought in to help us all "rock" in the new year. Cheap, up and coming, fun acts. Or you could have even went the lazy route and brought in an oldie but goody. You would have lost the young crowd a bit but...really you wouldn't have since every asshole in this region digs old time-a-rock and roll. I find it pathetic but it would have went over pretty well. Then, you could have went big time. You could have went huge local and huge talent and huge draw...you could have went Black Keys. You could have charged $50 a tickets for let's say Drew Carey, the Black Keys, and maybe Cleveland's own Nine Inch Nails??? Or went back in time and reunited Dazz Band for some Let It Whip. Or brought in Bone Thugs. Or something!!! Look, the Rock Scene is pretty meh and the bands coming out of Cleveland (or all of Ohio) are very meh but we have some stuff! And you're "not enough funds to go around because of the RNC" excuse was pathetic. I never got a call for money. If you didn't call me, you didn't call anyone. But most of all you fumbled the ball during a time when you can't do wrong in this city. For Shame...

Now loosing the Great American Ribs Cook-Off feels less like a choke job (like the New Years thing) and more like there were just too many options on one weekend thing. It was fairly inexpensive to get in and there were ribs and local rock acts like Ryan Humbert. Memorial Day is an event-crowded weekend as well with local events like the Tremont Greek Fest, Berea National Ribs Cook-off, and others happening all at the same time and vying for the same pool of people. That pool of people is a bit thin too since its a 3-5 day weekend (depending on how you maneuver your vacation days) which always offers the opportunity to go away on vacation. No matter what the reason it was cancelled, I'm sad to see this one go. It was on my list of things to attend this year and it's been around for 24 years. Loosing something that's been around for that long is a bummer.

Oh well. Change is always happening and as you lose one event you hopefully gain another. That's were I worry. I pray that we get a fun event that has great food and is something you can bring kids to. Maybe it'll become a national phenomenon and will always be married to Cleveland as the place it was born. Maybe it'll keep people from driving to Berea or Chagrin Falls or Twinsburg and they can just take the rapid in. Maybe there won't be a racially explosive public melee. Maybe we can just have a little fun together as a community.

So there's a bit of my achy-breaky heart on my sleeve. From Joe Dirt to Andre Agassi there are two thing we can learn... 1) Jumping on trends and riding them out works only so far until eventually you and your fad fade away into the abyss as a "burning river-esque" punchline. Having a well rounded approach while also pushing the boundary is a more sustainable plan that ensures you have nets set up in case...oh I don't know...let's say that the Medical Mart was as not as huge of a move as we thought... We're not just left with a giant empty mistake right on our city mall. Oh and 2) As much work as the business of turning this #2 most dangerous, burning river, mistake by the lake, section 8, welfare city around takes... we need to take time every once in awhile to enjoy our success and party.

Every once in awhile you have to go out on a limb urban explorers...but more often try to be the person who perfects the fad and not the person who tries to start them all...unless you can afford to. Then go ahead and San Fran it up cities!

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A Neon Pink Sore Thumb

The difference between a cute little place like let's say Amish Country vs a big city like New York are vast but there are similarities that make parts of both places work. For this particular thought, I focus on small businesses. Mom and pop stores and local businesses help create a certain experience for residents and visitors that they relate back to the area as a whole. If supported correctly, small local businesses can provide your city or town with a unique personality when it comes to the customer experience. That uniqueness is vital when competing with cookie cutter malls and big box stores.

There's my college term paper opener...but basically it boils down to me being tired of places like Walmart and wanting cities to start having local hardware stores again. I'm not even tired of big box stores being the "giant evil blah blah". I just think they're boring. I'm not a huge fan of cookie cutter and enjoy a good neon pink sore thumb house or business just because it breaks up the same old same old experience. Go to any strip mall. You got a Target, Walmart, Home Depot, Best Buy, Bed Bath and Beyond... It really is like the participation trophy in kids sports. Yeeeaaaa your city has the same businesses as countless others in your state or even sometimes county but who gives a f*ck? I mean is that really the thing that makes you swell up with civic pride? We were lucky or awesome enough to get this region's Sam's club!?!

I guess it's even kinda the same when you say you have a brewery and Columbus has a brewery and Cincinnati has a brewery for example. Ya they're in the same industry but at least they aren't selling the exact same recipes and won't always have a Kay Jewelers to the left of their building and a Panera to the right of their building. There's some sort of difference between the breweries and what they make and where they're located. Sure there are industry standards but you are allowed to be artistic with your vision. That's what you lose when you get a strip mall and big box malls. You lose that artistic experience. You lose that neon pink sore thumb. You could literally live in any town in the US. I hate that thought as much as I hate when I see someone out wearing the exact same shirt as me. I instantly want to burn it at my feet. There's a huge difference between having a burning desire to express yourself through your craft and just wanting to make millions of dollars. Most people don't understand needing to make something to express a feeling. Most people can however relate to wanting to make a quick and easy million. I'm afraid we've just lost that understanding...that concept. That makes me sad...

Arch 2! Electric Boogastabmurder!

You want examples?!? I've got examples! How about this...I want to build an exact replica of the St. Louis Arch in Cleveland. Have it go right over the river or be an excuse to bulldoze some crack houses on the east side but I want it. I think it's nice and it really fills a landmark hole that Cleveland has. I'm sure the architectural drawings are still around so it won't be hard to reproduce PLUS we could probably do it cheaper and faster now-a-days because technology! Yup, no "of". Just Technology. People would come to see Arch 2 and pay money when they're here and take pictures and buy souvenirs. How is that so different from both of our cities having a Walmart. Why does your douche meter go off when you think about Arch 2 but you praise and patronize businesses that out of the kindness of their hearts bring their cheap labor force, Chinese goods, and acres of parking lots to your city? Come on...it doesn't validates you and your city... it's already great somewhere else and you're just getting a copy of it. They didn't even change the design of the building. Know why? Because no matter how many local whatevers they sponsor... they don't care about you.

Let's drive it into the ground shall we?...

When you think of vacation cities anywhere in the world do you wonder if they have a IHOP just like the one that's a 7 minute drive away so you can get breakfast? or a Giant Eagle so you can get your fuel points? or a Dick's Sporting goods just in case you forget your swim suit?...Do you eat McDonald's in Italy over eating a locally made pasta dish? This is fun and I really could go on and on but the answer is "No". You go to see or experience something that you couldn't experience where you live. All those businesses I listed are nice-ities but if they aren't there, something else will be. Now I'm going to circle back to my college term paper opener or it wouldn't have been necessary to even write it to begin with. You go to Amish country because it's a unique destination that contains things and experiences you can't find where you live or really most anywhere else. You go to New York City for the exact same reason...the details of the reason are night and day but that's why you go to places like that. Cities that have all-year-round Christmas or white sandy beaches or legalized prostitution all have something that you can't drive to the local strip mall to experience and that's what you should be striving for! A unique experience!...or fake it and trick us! Who cares!?!

Now think of your city or town. Do you really have anything worth visiting? Oh by the way and along the same thought, picking an area to live based on "living close to your parents so you can have built in babysitters" is just lame. I don't normally say it out load because parents LOVE to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have kids. After the red anger leaves my face, I think about never talking to them again, and then think this...

"Just because you screwed and created life, it doesn't make you a goddamn genius."

Honey-boo-boo exists. Would you let her parents do your taxes because they're parents?...just like you wouldn't take parenting advice from them no matter how many kids they've reared. I take what you have to say into consideration BUT in no way take it as the god's honest truth. Don't fool yourself. Babies don't fix stupid.

With that being said - I love all of you and there's nothing you can do about it. God I'm so tired this week...

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I'm Now Our Block Club Co-Chair

So I won an election! I'm now the co-chairperson of our block club. Our name is as unique as anyone else's block club I guess, North of Literary. You know, because as you can see below we exist North of Literary Road. Why complicate things. Anyways I was elected to help chair the block club and am damn happy to step up and help.

This is Tremont...sorta. Our boundaries include the Cuyahoga River to the North and East, MetroHealth Medical Center to the South and West 25th Street and Columbus Avenue to the West.

This is North of Literary. Our little slice of heaven.

We have great restaurants like Sokolowski's, Fat Cats, Parallax, Southside, Tony's Southside, Lolita, Press, and Barrio. Man that's a lot when you list them all together. We get our coffee from Loop. We rock at Pat's in the Flats. We get our beer and chips from the Fairfield Market. We have the only Bank in the neighborhood, Fifth Third. We ride our bikes past people taking pictures at the Abbey Ave Park by I90 with the best views of downtown behind them. We sneak into downtown across the W 3rd lift bridge. We party at the Greek festival, Dyngus Day, and Taste of Tremont. We'll have the towpath trail cutting through in a few years which means connections to the lake and all the way down to... Canal Fulton? Right? Dover? Somewhere south. We have churches and salons and other businesses too. Oh and according to Trulia, we're Safe! Best of all though we have a group of really good people living here who are very active in the block club. I couldn't have stepped into a better 1st leadership role.

My block is all green! Yikes, poor Ohio City.

I can't wait to get started and make difference in neighborhood. It's a good feeling. Oh and if it wasn't obvious, COME TO TREMONT AND VISIT NORTH OF LITERARY! We've got all sorts of stuff for you to do!

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OK, enough about me. Read this blog post. It's awesome and the writer is pretty much my hero:

http://neo-trans.blogspot.com/2016/01/cleveland-ready-to-scrape-skies-more.html

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Sometimes friends of the urban area, you get a look at change from a macro level and it gives you hope.

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